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Facing Resistance? If it doesn’t come easy, there must be something wrong.

After years of personal development, I fell into the trap of searching for the path of least resistance. Whenever things got hard for me, I would beat myself up and think that something was wrong or, worse, that I was wrong. It seemed as though everyone else had some sort of magical manifestation powers and I was somehow flawed and damaged. What I didn’t realize is that my resistance was actually a gift in a clever disguise.

I was told by many gurus that I needed to raise my vibration or frequency, remove my subconscious blocks, heal my childhood wounds and shift my energy to attract a better life. They told me the reason I didn’t have what I wanted was because I had too much negative energy or beliefs that held me back. I tried to clear it, heal it, bypass it, and even overpower it with positive thinking but nothing seemed to work. Resistance was always there and I felt I was always struggling.

The biggest shift came to me when I discovered that resistance is good and plays a critical part of the journey to bigger dreams. When I learned how to use resistance instead of try to get rid of it, I was able to see fast changes and I felt more empowered through the challenges I faced rather than defeated.

We are conditioned to stay in our comfort zone so when we try to change our life we hit resistance naturally. Resistance is a sign that we are GROWING and moving outside of our old patterns, not a symptom of negative energy.

The more resistance you experience is just reflecting that there is a lot of creative energy behind it. For years I was pushing it aside and actually suppressing it in my unconscious. The battle to make changes in your life is not external, but an internal battle of your ego fighting to keep you the same and the True Self wanting to grow. The more energy there is, the more your true self is pressing for more creativity and growth.

Give Up or Grow Up

For most people, resistance is when people give up. They perceive the world as separate from them, a greater force that influences their capacity for love, wealth and happiness. They feel small and powerless and the ego has effectively done its job to keep you in your comfort bubble.

A few visionary people see the truth, that the world is just a reflection of their mind. The mind is the cause and the world is the effect. They know the conflict out there is just mirroring their conflict inside. The resistance is just the ego’s desire to be safe and familiar while the divine desire to grow is starting to propel them forward.

The most successful people use resistance to grow up. They face old childish fears head-on and draw up inside the courage they already have to break free to become who they really are – a limitless being.

You can tell yourself on the surface that you are spiritual and enlightened but until you dig deep through the fear and have an experience of yourself as something greater than your ego, it is just indirect knowledge. The resistance serves as a birth to a new you that helps you discover how powerful you are in creating your life.

If you are feeling resistance right now, here’s a first step to facing it head-on. Resistance comes in the form of accidents, job loss, break-ups, financial emergencies, loss of loved one, procrastination and avoidance of living your purpose.

 

  1. Select one that you are facing and examine the result as a witness rather than from your ego “I” as if you were watching another person experience the result.
  2. As you examine the result, write down all the assumptions you are making about the result and who you are as a person. What kind of person gets this type of result?
  3. If this person realized they were divine and unlimited, how would he/she see this differently?
  4. How is this resistance showing me something about my approach to my goal and my life?

Find the gold inside the resistance to help you grow from these insights. Sometimes it just takes sitting with the feeling and watching your mind make stories up about it so you can see your mind in action. This process is like becoming aware of an unconscious habit so you can make a conscious choice to change.

Resistance is unconscious material rising to surface so you can see it and use it to take yourself off of autopilot. Without resistance it would continue to run your life behind the scenes. This is why it is GOLD.

Carl Jung says, that “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will think of it as fate.”

Resistance is the key that either locks you into the old pattern or the key to set you free.

Why Love Pushes Some People Away

Have you ever experienced getting close to someone and suddenly, without warning, they create some sort of drama and fall out of your life? This happens with dates, friendships and even clients. You beat yourself up wishing you could have done something different and you blame yourself for their leaving. It isn’t your fault; you just experienced their “Intimacy Defense.”

When people are hurt at a young age by someone they trusted to keep them safe, they build a powerful defense from allowing anyone to get that close again. They desperately want connection, but when they bump up against the breaking point when they really start to care about you, something triggers in them to remind them of their old hurt and they run.

When they experience unconditional love and acceptance, instead of feeling good, they unconsciously interpret it as a threat to their survival. They find excuses to quit or run away by rationalizing with silly stories and making it your fault. They associate closeness with pain. Putting up the protective barriers not only cushions them from reliving the old pain but also closes them off to love.

The person who leaves has to project the problem onto you to avoid facing their own fears and preserving their ego. They justify their escape by making up exaggerated claims of mistakes you made or promises you didn’t keep. In a desperate attempt to justify their abandonment, they are forced to bend the truth to fit to their own agenda.

What is sad is that they will burn through friends, family and colleagues and never really get close to anyone. They play the victim but they are acting through their own self-punishment. The defense is so unconscious that they don’t even realize what they are doing.

To try to rationalize with a person like this is futile because their ego is so clever they are so convinced the problem is with you, not them. Instead of getting angry, see them as scared people. They must have gone through some tough hurts to be so defensive and afraid of love. Have compassion for them.

If you understand WHY it is happening you can stop beating yourself up about it. Don’t close down like them. Continue to open your heart knowing you did nothing wrong but present a loving opportunity to go deeper intimately in a relationship.

If you find yourself doing this to others, examine your fears of intimacy and the unconscious assumptions that have been made around relationships. If this is a pattern, you can change it by going toward the fear and seeing that there is no real threat to love.

In dating and coach/client relationships, there is always a level of intimacy that gets created. You are not responsible for the other person’s fears or projections. Some people are evolved enough to accept responsibility and transcend their fears. Your openness can be a catalyst for a breakthrough that will change all relationships in their life.

Unfortunately not everyone is ready to move past the Intimacy Defense, but that doesn’t mean you should shut down your heart and stop sharing all of who you are. As you continue to stay open, people who are ready to receive the exchange of love will flow into your life.

 

Have you experienced this? Write a comment below and share what you think!

Do you have Self-Help Shame?

I started reading self-help books in my twenties. I would spend hours in the bookstore in the relationships and self-help sections looking for new books on making my life better. I was very self-conscious standing there wondering what people thought about me. I hid the titles as I went to the check-out counter so no one would know what I was buying. I had self-help shame.

Back in those days I also hid my spiritual life. When I was down the Jersey shore with my friends, I would wake up early on Sundays to go to church before everyone got up. When I walked back to the house after church everyone was convinced that I was doing the “walk of shame,” not believing I was coming from church. I built a persona around fun Debbie and it wasn’t cool to talk about God.

I didn’t share my inner life with anyone. I was afraid people would think something was wrong with me; that I was screwed up psychologically and unfit for a relationship. I kept my up my carefree surface persona trying to keep my spiritual cat in the bag. I hoped that my “self-improvement project” would be done soon because I wanted to move on and become a normal person like everyone else

Anytime I would try to let a little of my deeper side out, I was often met with mockery or people looking at my strange as if I said aliens had landed. Friends and dates would challenge my beliefs and point out condescendingly that if all this self-help stuff worked I would have a relationship by now.

What I didn’t realize is that what I was seeing was my own judgment of self-help reflected back to me in the world. I was using personal development and spirituality as a way to fix myself with the assumption that only broken people do this type of thing. So the people I saw judging me were just a mirror of what I felt about myself.

The “healing” culture.

It wasn’t my fault really. The idea of healing is so pervasive in our culture that people assume that any inner reflection is about fixing something dysfunctional. I assumed that most people had life figured out. Everyone else got married at 23, had a solid career and stable life in a real house not a bachelorette apartment. I felt that there must be something wrong with me if I didn’t have all of those things.

The reality is that so-called “normal” people are afraid to be caught doing personal development are living a powerless existence. They are driven by the herd mentality of grasping for external validation and security and are constantly unsatisfied. It is almost a curse when they get what they want because then they never do the inner searching to take their life from good to great.

The reason the average Joe judges and fears self-helpers is because they secretly know there is something more to life but are afraid to look inside. They want to brush their discomfort aside and pretend everything is okay, terrified of being labeled as having any problems. They change the subject or run from any intimate conversation and keep themselves in a prison of ignorance.

The Mastery v. Fixing Approach

Everything shifted when I stopped trying to fix myself and started to see personal development as a way to master my mind and express my creative potential. Personal and spiritual growth wasn’t intended to be about healing with a diagnosis and cure. Positive psychology assumes everyone is already at the normal functioning level and wants to take you to your higher levels of consciousness.

When I realized that understanding my true nature is the most interesting subject in the world and I should be proud of my knowledge and wisdom, I started sharing what I learned with co-workers, bosses, friends and dates. When I saw myself more as a master of life rather than a broken person, people responded differently to me. Most people were surprisingly open and it brought me closer to people. Even though there are always some who were not ready to hear it, I kept sharing anyway.

My final test of my self-help shame was with someone I dated before I met Dr. Rob. We went on about 4 dates and on our last date he told me solemnly, “I am attracted to you, BUT all that spiritual stuff is not for me. I just can’t relate.” For the first time in my life I didn’t feel rejected at all because he was rejecting the part about me I loved the most. If he only liked my surface, then he wasn’t the one for me.

This change of self-expression led me to finally connecting with the love of my life who, from our very first conversation, would go to places no one else previously would talk about with me. I am glad I didn’t change who I was for the other guy because I really wanted a deeper connection. I get to have these conversations every single day with my true love!

Many people that do personal development work are private about it. They wouldn’t want to admit they hired a life coach or took a workshop as if that was a mark of madness. Some never reach out for help because they feel ashamed of investing in their personal life. They look at hiring a coach as a flaw rather than a demonstration of commitment to a bigger life. They believe that if they spend more money that must mean they need more “help” instead of viewing it as getting the best higher education in mastering their inner life.

The world is craving depth and soul.

The dating market is filled with tips on how to act correctly to catch an alpha man or get a makeover so you’ll get more dates. The business coaching market measures dollars earned rather than someone’s fulfillment and inner mastery. The ordinary person is caught up with chasing the external carrot and more dissatisfied with life than ever.

Learning about yourself, your psychology and the mysteries of your mind is the most fascinating journey you can take. It enriches your life and helps you feel more connected to your heart and soul. In fact, it is the only way to truly live.

The famous psychologist Abraham Maslow suggested that only a very small percentage of the population reach the level of self-actualization, so that makes you special and unique. We need more creative-minded people who want to stop being run by their conditioning like the rest of the masses. It is the people like you who expand the limits of the human imagination that inspire everyone to become what is possible.

The stigma of doing personal development or spiritual work has to change so more people will be inspired to embrace it. Teachers and students both must stop making it about healing and dysfunction and stick to its original purpose of human potential.

You are here for a higher purpose, not just survival

Your human conditioning is natural and necessary to survive. This is the sign of a healthy mind. But, we are put here to do more than just survive. We are given this life to become something more, to know our true nature and to experience life in all its greatness in love, abundance and health.

I hope one day that the world will see personal growth as normal and think the people who sleepwalking through life on autopilot are the real “outliers.” Deep down everyone is searching for answers. People who are willing to share what they learn will inspire others to find their path to become their potential and change the world.

 

Are you just a Spiritual Tourist on the Journey to Love?

I have to admit that when I first began my inner journey to finding love, I was a spiritual tourist. After being raised as a Roman Catholic, I started exploring other spiritual teachings in my twenties and thirties to figure out why I was still single. The exploration is necessary, but after a while you have to stop being a tourist and find a home. I learned that the big shifts happen in your life when you commit to one path.

What is a spiritual tourist? Someone who checks in and out different places but never really settles anywhere. A tourist typically gravitates toward the popular places but these hot spots are so watered down and without real soul.

Tourists are looking for less work and more fun. They are drawn to experiences that do not require a lot of thinking or effort. They take the guided tours, follow the steps but never really get anywhere (except maybe happy hour.) They don’t stay long enough to explore and rapidly move on to the next attraction.

Being a tourist lets you experience a lot of different things but never go deep into any one of them. You hear lots of great quotes and feel motivated until you have to get something accomplished. A spiritual tourist will quickly leave a teaching when experiencing a little setback or if she is challenged in any way outside of her comfort zone. She will reason away her avoidance by just saying, “This didn’t work for me” but never gives anything enough time.

The reason the spiritual tourist doesn’t stay is that she is not really looking for growth, just obsessed with getting results – their soul-mate, more money, more attention. If you use spiritual principles to gain material success, you are already lost. You are putting the material world above your spirit, which not spiritual at all, and it will only cause you more problems and pain in your life.

A little tourism is good for a while to test things out and see where you fit in, but don’t let the vacation last too long or you will put off true happiness. Once you find a path that resonates with you stick with it. A good sign is when the path makes you uncomfortable and face things to help you grow. If you want to run, then you know you are on the right path!

Here are some signs that you are being a spiritual tourist and how it works against you:

  1. Wanting external results v. inner results

Any system that promises quick, effortless healing to get a man or instant money is not spirituality, but the lovely by-product of the placebo effect used by charlatans since the dawn of time. You have to grow into the person who has the love and the wealth you desire through spiritual practice first, or any relationship or material success will be short-lived. The spiritual growth leads to all the experiences you want in life but the growth needs to be the focus, not just getting stuff.

  1. The Kitchen Sink Approach

More is not better. Don’t mix two or more spiritual traditions together in the hopes of covering your bases. This is confusing and your ego will tend to pull you toward the easy side just when you are about to have a breakthrough on the other. You will be kept bouncing back and forth in a never-ending cycle of confusion and status quo.

  1. Focusing on Techniques without a Philosophy

A true practice should involve a solid foundation and philosophy, not just a hodgepodge of techniques. A philosophy is more than just tapping your forehead, clearing your chakras, therapy, mindfulness, meditation, visualization, hypnosis, or yoga class. If you cram too many different techniques without any philosophical foundation to support them, you are being a spiritual tourist – destination unknown. Techniques are tools, not a whole system. You need a consistent, deep and solid spiritual system for lasting change.

  1. Too Simple and Common Sense

If you catch yourself saying, “Everything happens for a reason” as your go-to spiritual insight to every obstacle, you are missing out on the real true lessons of life. A spiritual tourist gets her wisdom from Facebook posts and experts’ advice on reality or talk television. You know you are close to your spiritual home when you stop reading pop, watered-down spirituality with its feel-good, ego-soothing nonsense. You get hungry for reading the source of spiritual teachings from thousands of years ago and embrace the complexity of the teachings.

If a teaching is very easy to understand and makes common sense, then it is not deep enough. To truly grow you must stretch your mind with challenging ideas that go against the status quo and what you have been taught. Otherwise, you are just hearing a pop song and singing along without learning anything new.

 

The Benefit of Finding One Path

When you follow one path you have structure and a foundation to go to when things get tough. If you do not commit to one path, you are more likely to stray to keep your options open and never stick with anything. The ego uses your fear of change to keep you as a spiritual tourist so you never truly change.

When you enter a teaching, ask the teacher about their source before you commit into the path. If you are introduced to a new pop technique, ask the trainer about the spiritual philosophy that backs the technique. It is astounding how many self-proclaimed gurus are not able to answer these questions. In their defense, they are just spiritual tourists themselves who haven’t discovered their home. The human ego has developed many techniques disguising them as “spiritual” to get you hooked into a cycle of constant healing and clearing when your true self doesn’t need to be fixed. You end up just re-arranging the same old furniture.

In your true spiritual home you will find your true self. The real you will become distinguished from the touristy and fickle ego-mind. You will rise above the noise of duality and see the connection of your true nature to everything as perfection. From this place of oneness, you can see clearly the right partner and how to step into a career or mission that fulfills you.

If you are still a spiritual tourist, don’t worry. Trust the journey. Keep asking tough questions. Don’t believe everything you hear and be challenged by new ideas to truly understand yourself and life. A part of you already knows your spiritual home, now it is time for you to rediscover it as it calls you to return.

 

 

What happens AFTER you meet someone?

When you are searching for a partner, the only thing most people focus on is the meeting. You have an online dating strategy plan and read up on the latest tips on dating etiquette so you can act accordingly and they remain interested. You may even think you have to clear so-called “blocks” so you can meet. Have you put so much energy in meeting the person that you rarely think about the time after you find him or her?

The urgency and anxiety you put into dating will not end when you meet someone, it will only magnify.

Honestly, I used to believe that everything would fall into place when I met the right person. The angels would belt out songs of joy and doves will be released and float around us and I would somehow finally be confident and secure. Time and time again I was wrong. Everyone I met was reflecting back to me my own insecurities and fears about being not good enough and alone.

I kept looking for someone to love me, when I needed to be that someone to me first.

Here’s the deal. You may focus on the image of their right person to meet like a cardboard cutout with a nice resume. Do you ever think about what being in a relationship with that person would be like? Are you prepared for the disagreements, fears, family drama and, yes, maybe even the children involved? Do you feel comfortable communicating your needs and keeping the spark alive? What about when the sex slows down or someone gets ill?

Most people, myself included, looked for love as a happy fairy-tale ending. We’ve been hypnotized to believe in those funny romantic comedies where the struggle happens before you meet and then when you finally come together everything is perfect for the rest of your life. But that is not real life, life is not easy and relationships are a living, changing experience that needs nurturing and continued growth.

You can tell how prepared you are for a real relationship in just the first few dates. Do you get anxiety around communication? Do you gauge all of your happiness onto whether he or she calls or asks you out on a weekend date? Do you feel a lack of control over your schedule or what you like to do together? Do you find it difficult to manage your emotions because you like the person so much?

These fears in a new relationship may temporarily subside when the act the way you want and give you the attention you crave, but the fear is not gone. This same fear will arise again when another difficulty shows up. You can stuff it and feel miserable as a prisoner under his/her control or you can sabotage and end it to move on to the next one who “knows how to treat you” without you having to explain it. Good luck with that plan.

When I started my personal development path to find love, I felt like I was a slow learner. So many people would fall into relationships while years later I was still poking at my inner child telling her to stop crying. I was just focused on fixing myself to meet “him” instead of growing myself to have a relationship that lasts.

The strategy of fixing yourself, removing blocks and following dating tips still focuses on the same idea…life will be better when I meet the person. Once I realized that I didn’t have to fix myself but to uncover my true self already inside of me, I stopped thinking there was something wrong with me. I no longer wanted to find a man to finally tell me that I was okay. I didn’t need to heal myself to feel OK.

Coming from a powerful place of “I am already okay” doesn’t happen overnight, but it happens a lot faster if you drop the healing and fixing to begin with. The constant searching for defects in you or your behavior is counter-productive. You cannot feel enough if you are always looking for ways where you feel broken without a partner.

Reclaiming your power is a process of letting go of the persona you have been conditioned to be as a shield defending the soft vulnerability of your humanity. It is a scary confrontation to drop the mask and see what is behind it. You must look directly at the places you don’t want to face inside of yourself that are only negative because of the story YOU assigned to it.

The truth is there is nothing negative about you and realizing that gives you power. Embracing all of your human tendencies with love and compassion will enable you to relate to another in a deep, intimate way without needing to run or hide.

Facing yourself where you don’t dare to look and being okay with it all allows you to open your heart to love. The only real reason you don’t have love is that you don’t want someone to see all of you. You will continue to attract people who also hide behind their masks and you will continue to project fears onto each other where there is no doorway for a deeper connection.

Can you meet someone without looking inside? Sure you can. People do it every day and most people are miserable in relationships because of their projections. You still have the chance to individuate and grow with each other but both parties now must take on the process. Jung said, “The best time to work on your relationship is before you get in one.”

Instead of fixing your persona, it is time to love and embrace all of who you are. If you do that BEFORE you meet, the bliss will not end after the first few dates. You will automatically have chemistry with someone who matches your inner self-love and the relationship will last.

True love isn’t about finding the right person but bringing the right person (your true self) into the relationship.

Are you seeking a guarantee of happiness?

Have you ever asked yourself why you wanted love? It seems like a ridiculous question to ask because you assume that everyone should want love. You believe that Mr. or Ms. Right can give you happiness. If you find the person, the happiness comes as part of the package – guaranteed!

Sometimes a relationship just happens. You meet the person in college and you have a connection and decide to stick together, get married, build a family and do what other people are doing. The ones who seem to fall into marriage just follow the path of society. The people who meet randomly aren’t better off than you. They chose a relationship unconsciously and maybe they get along fine, but maybe they are just settling. If being in a relationship guarantees happiness, the divorce rate wouldn’t be almost 60%.

For most people, the search for love begins with pain – a bad break-up, divorce or reaching a milestone age (child-bearing years are ticking away). Instead of allowing the natural flow of life to pass you by, you decide to take some action to make love happen so you are not feeling the pain of being alone anymore.

You are on a mission so you relentlessly date online, go to speed dating, go to social events to get your face-time, take classes and workshops to better yourself but still you are not finding true love. You get so defeated in your quest that the search is not fun, you are tired and wonder if you were just meant to be alone and endure this pain of loneliness forever.

When you reach the point of exhaustion and want to give up, you have forgotten your WHY. Why do you want love in the first place?

True love isn’t about alleviating pain and loneliness.

Most people are searching for love as a guarantee for happiness. If I could just find that person, everything will be fine in my life. No more misery, no more lonely nights, no more long weekends without any plans, no more isolation from my married friends, no more bad dates, no more heartache.

If you try to find a mate with the mind of pain, you will only attract more pain.

The only guarantee for happiness lies within you. You are the cause of happiness, not something or someone out there. It is hard to accept because we have been conditioned to think that happiness is external.

Happiness is already inside.

Our natural state is joy. The mind creates images and stories that constantly take us out of joy. The mind that says you aren’t good enough until you meet someone or that you are flawed and no one will ever love you. The mind will lie to you about the future and constantly remind you of the regrets of the past. The mind is never satisfied, always spinning its stories of nonsense to fill the moments of your day until you finally get a break when you go into deep sleep. When you awake, the mind is there to remind you of your miserable life again and the stories continue.

If you can sit with yourself in silence and watch those thoughts float by without believing them, you will eventually have some moments of pure bliss. You can touch that deep joy that is already in you.

As you access this inner perfection, you start to see the world in its perfect reflection. When you get into a relationship, you bring your own bliss (B.Y.O.B.) and the why for wanting a relationship isn’t coming from pain but coming from a powerful desire to share this gorgeous happiness that you are swimming in. That is a guarantee that you can count on and the type of love that is deep and lasting.

Exhausted from Trying to Change Your Life?

Feeling like you aren’t getting anywhere and frustrated with your results in trying to find love or make more money? Do you wonder if anything works or if you are just not meant to change? So many people share your frustration. The harder you try, though, the more you get the opposite result. Watch this video to find a way to FREE YOUR MIND to create what you want.

How to live in possibility to create your dream life

Why is it so hard to change our reality? If you are like me, you have probably heard dozens or even hundreds of lectures on changing your life. They tell you to think positive, feel the vision and take inspired action, but nothing seems to change. You wonder if this even works or if it only works for some people and not for you.

People ask us all the time “how do I create love, more money, a better body…?” You are always creating. You cannot stop creating. Through your whole life your thinking mind is working, it is spinning your outer reality, affecting your mood, your reactions to people and circumstances and mostly dragging you down.

The thinking mind summarizes your life events in an epic drama and the theme that is running is based on the quality of your thoughts. You cannot change your life unless you take responsibility for what you created so far. You are the author, the director and the actor in your own cosmic play.

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean that you beat yourself up, make yourself wrong and blame yourself for not being a good enough thinker. When you accept that you are creating your reality (consciously and unconsciously), you reclaim your power. Your creation may not always be perfect, but it is yours AND this realization reminds you that you have the choice to create something new.

The results in your life are not permanent. The ego only can re-create the past conditioning through its programmed reactions. When you are not in conscious control of your mind, this system works on autopilot and creates for you. The creative force weaving your life is still you; you just aren’t doing the driving. The ego mind is not imaginative or forward thinking, it just repeats the programs you set it up to do.

When you become conscious that you want a new result, you have to take back the reins of your mind and hold your will to a higher vision. This takes a lot of courage and mental effort because all of your senses and experiences of the past are telling you the opposite.

When what you don’t want shows up, your job is to consciously stop letting the autopilot reaction kick-in where emotions are triggered and you feel discouraged. There is a force within you stronger than your ego-mind that you must draw upon to transcend the experience. That force is called your Divine Self or some simply call it the Self.

The ego sees only limitations about what you already created in the past. The divine in you sees only unlimited possibilities. The ego sees the doors are closed and you better give up. The divine sees multiple doors and they are all open for you to choose from.

The ego sees that if you make a mistake and walk through the door, something terrible will happen. The divine knows that the door is just one of many choices and you have the freedom to keep opening new doors and creating more possibilities.

Each time you are faced with a result you have a choice. That feeling or reaction to the result is like a key that can either lock you in to the past or set you free to create something fresh. Ask yourself, “What is this showing me about my mind?” to remind yourself that you are in control, not external circumstances.

To live in possibility means to know there is always another door, another opportunity and that there is a powerful force within you that wants you to have what you want even more than you. That force has always been at your side and waiting for you to claim its power to create something extraordinary and live bigger.

Keep seeing every result as an open door. It is leading you to the next step on your journey. Don’t ignore it or run from it. Embrace it as your freedom is on the other side.

Boundaries Build More Love and Intimacy in Relationships

Have you ever felt afraid to set boundaries with a friend, boss, client or lover? If you told someone that they did something you would not tolerate, do you fear they would leave? This type of fear shows up in all relationships and causes a division.

Your boss makes you work crazy hours and never promotes you. Your co-worker is the slacker who does less work than you and takes all the credit. The person you are dating Share The Love, Become a Certified Love Coachdoesn’t ask you out on weekends or want to date you exclusively. Your friend talks about you behind your back. Your mother constantly criticizes you but then asks you for a million favors.

If you don’t set boundaries and communicate them, you are actually creating more distance with someone, not keeping them close. When you put up with poor behavior and do not express yourself, you end up resenting the person. You put walls up around you to protect yourself. They may still be in your life but you aren’t really connecting. You are being superficial to them but resenting them under your breath.

Studies in child psychology show that children do best when there are clear boundaries set in the household. When there are no set boundaries, the child feels insecure and gets anxious. Imagine if you don’t keep clear boundaries, how that fear arises within you. You don’t know right from wrong or if you have the right to say something or not. Since you are now the adult in your life, a small part of you feels insecure and doesn’t trust your choices.

Anger is the result when boundaries are not set and communicated. You are angry at them for what they said or did and angry at yourself for not speaking up.

To release the anger, you complain about that person to someone else instead of the person who caused you the problem in the first place. You hide behind gossip with your co-worker and the boss is demonized as the story continues to build and stretches way out of proportion. The more you love and care about the person, the more anger arises inside of you.

Communicating boundaries is the most loving thing you can do for someone. Most people don’t realize they hurt you or that they did something out of line. The majority of people have good intentions. Everyone is trying to do their best and sometimes people act out of their own fear and can hurt you through their ignorance. The only remedy is to communicate openly.

Humans fear communication because it opens us up to share a deeper part of ourselves. The vulnerability of saying that “this isn’t right” or that “you need do stop doing that” is facing the risk of rejection. To avoid rejection, you just complain to others, avoid confrontation and stay stuck. Relationships ends abruptly, friends turn to frenemies and the pattern repeats with other relationships.

We are afraid that if we make waves that they will leave us or hate us. We fear that our voice will not be heard or, worse, we will be laughed at and disrespected. We are still putting that other person above us as more important than our feelings. We resent them and resent ourselves.

Being clear on your own boundaries and communicating them to people in your life is the most loving thing you can do for yourself and for them. Some won’t agree or like the boundaries you set in the relationship but, if they truly care about you, they will respect you and work with you through calm communication.

If they drop away because they refuse to play by your rules, let them go. It is better to have one loyal friend than one hundred that you have to bend over backward to please.

You may worry about making someone feel bad that they hurt you, but it is actually more hurtful to not tell them. You hurt them more with passive aggressive behavior without their ability to defend themselves or share their side of the story.

When you set boundaries with others, they know who you really are. You aren’t being fake-nice, you are being real and authentic. You also give them permission to set their own boundaries. If you let them walk over you, they may think it is okay to let others walk over them. Or, worse, they keep doing what they are doing not realizing they are hurting people. No one wins in that scenario.

Boundaries build intimacy. They are an expression of love and honesty. Trust those who keep their boundaries consistent. Select relationships with people who are open to communicate and don’t run at the first sign of conflict. These will be your deepest friends and trusted allies who will never leave you.

To start creating clear boundaries in your relationships, get clear with yourself first:

  1. Make a list of things you no longer wish to tolerate in a relationship in personal and professional life.
  2. Identify the people in your life with whom YOU HAVE ALLOWED to cross those boundaries.
  3. Accept the responsibility of this situation- you gave them permission because you didn’t clearly communicate with them the boundary.
  4. Set yourself free by owning your part and clearing up the communication.
  5. The person will feel closer to you than ever or will drop away. You will then know who the true people are in your life.
Setting boundaries is like saying I love you and I want to keep you in my life, but only if you act with respect. If you step over the line, I love you enough to tell you.

 

There is nothing wrong with you

For decades I searched for the answer to my life’s problems. I didn’t know my purpose, I was single and I hated my day job. I felt stuck but was always open to explore inside what I needed to fix to make my life better.

The journey started out hopeful, but the more I dug into my past family history, my relationships with my parents, siblings, romantic interests and bosses, the more problems I http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-photo-my-new-life-chapter-one-concept-fresh-start-year-resolution-dieting-healthy-lifestyle-image35008695seemed to uncover. I was told that I had all these wounds from the past that needed to be cleared for me to have a normal life.

My friends would recommend the latest magical cure and was very hopeful that each time it would help. I felt better for a while but then quickly lost all momentum when I had some minor upset that brings a person into a feeling of isolation and hurt. I felt like I would never be “healed” and that there was something wrong with me.

For years I navigated along the roller-coaster of my life, still searching for a partner, a career and peace of mind. I felt as though I was going crazy, that I couldn’t be in my own skin anymore. Hopelessness started to set in and I was exhausted from my constant fixing and repairing my damaged psyche.

I started to awaken from my almost zombie-like effort to “improve myself” mission when I realized that I was using personal development to feel better like a drug. If I did the technique correctly, then I would be good and worthy. When things didn’t fall into place, something was wrong with me. I felt like an old jalopy that keeps requiring repairs at the shop.

The ego-mind will tell you that you aren’t enough, that you’d be better in a relationship rather than single or if you found the right job, or your purpose and made more money. All those things are great, but should they be used to measure how good you are inside?

If you are waiting for external results to make you feel better about yourself, then you are falling into the same ego trap that prevents you from having joy in your life. You falsely believe that something out there can make you better.

If you continue this thinking eventually the ego-mind will tell you that you aren’t enough until you get the breakthrough, until you have deeper insight or you stop falling back to fear or old patterns. This personal development perfectionism can infiltrate the process of growth and pull you back down to being materialistic about your enlightenment.

You see many experts out there who feed this lie about needing healing. They tell you that if you just do this technique it will magically solve all life’s problems and you will be happy forever. Just one click, a few taps, one mantra, done. When you don’t get the man or the money, you beat yourself up and think you are wrong. Then, you move on to the next hot technique hungry to find your bliss.

If you approach your personal development as a fixing tool, like taking your psyche into a repair shop, you will never be satisfied. You may temporarily feel a high from a retreat or a class but it doesn’t last. Why, because you are starting off with a false assumption – that you need to be fixed in the first place.

There is nothing wrong with you.

The reason you don’t have what you want is because you haven’t learned how to use your mind to create. You don’t need to clear things from your mind or heal wounds, just understand how the mind creates and take the reins back from ego that is driving your life on auto-pilot.

Your ego doesn’t need to be fixed; it is a necessary function that helps you survive. All you need to do to have more joy in your life is access the higher mind beyond the ego – your true self. You have to stop believing you are just your thoughts.

Your true self can never be harmed, injured, burned or destroyed. Instead of trying to re-arrange furniture in your ego lower mind, you can transcend to the higher mind to see that you are already enlightened. You have an ego that prevents you from seeing this clearly.

When you make mistakes, have a negative day or have a temporary setback, it doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong or you have blocks. This is normal. Your ego will resist and without the ego’s resistance you wouldn’t grow. These obstacles are a gift to bring you closer to your true self.

The proper way to use personal development is not as a medicine cabinet but as a way to understand your mind so you can use it as an ally to navigate the journey of your life. The more you learn and accept all parts of yourself, the easier life becomes.

If you want to have the love, the money, the lifestyle and the career of your dreams, you must be willing to face the parts of life you are running from including tough times, heartaches and so-called failures. If you stop trying to fix them but learn from them you can truly grow into the person who has it all.