What Makes a Conscious Man (or Woman) Fall in Love? How to create Conscious Chemistry® with the one who is meant for the true you.

Why Love Pushes Some People Away

Have you ever experienced getting close to someone and suddenly, without warning, they create some sort of drama and fall out of your life? This happens with dates, friendships and even clients. You beat yourself up wishing you could have done something different and you blame yourself for their leaving. It isn’t your fault; you just experienced their “Intimacy Defense.”

When people are hurt at a young age by someone they trusted to keep them safe, they build a powerful defense from allowing anyone to get that close again. They desperately want connection, but when they bump up against the breaking point when they really start to care about you, something triggers in them to remind them of their old hurt and they run.

When they experience unconditional love and acceptance, instead of feeling good, they unconsciously interpret it as a threat to their survival. They find excuses to quit or run away by rationalizing with silly stories and making it your fault. They associate closeness with pain. Putting up the protective barriers not only cushions them from reliving the old pain but also closes them off to love.

The person who leaves has to project the problem onto you to avoid facing their own fears and preserving their ego. They justify their escape by making up exaggerated claims of mistakes you made or promises you didn’t keep. In a desperate attempt to justify their abandonment, they are forced to bend the truth to fit to their own agenda.

What is sad is that they will burn through friends, family and colleagues and never really get close to anyone. They play the victim but they are acting through their own self-punishment. The defense is so unconscious that they don’t even realize what they are doing.

To try to rationalize with a person like this is futile because their ego is so clever they are so convinced the problem is with you, not them. Instead of getting angry, see them as scared people. They must have gone through some tough hurts to be so defensive and afraid of love. Have compassion for them.

If you understand WHY it is happening you can stop beating yourself up about it. Don’t close down like them. Continue to open your heart knowing you did nothing wrong but present a loving opportunity to go deeper intimately in a relationship.

If you find yourself doing this to others, examine your fears of intimacy and the unconscious assumptions that have been made around relationships. If this is a pattern, you can change it by going toward the fear and seeing that there is no real threat to love.

In dating and coach/client relationships, there is always a level of intimacy that gets created. You are not responsible for the other person’s fears or projections. Some people are evolved enough to accept responsibility and transcend their fears. Your openness can be a catalyst for a breakthrough that will change all relationships in their life.

Unfortunately not everyone is ready to move past the Intimacy Defense, but that doesn’t mean you should shut down your heart and stop sharing all of who you are. As you continue to stay open, people who are ready to receive the exchange of love will flow into your life.


Have you experienced this? Write a comment below and share what you think!

The best way to deal with emotions and feelings

Emotions are not the enemy and are a wonderful opportunity to experience the fullness of life. Listen to Debi Berndt, co-founder of Creative Love, explain what emotions are and how to deal with them so you are empowered, not controlled by them.

Getting over the hurt when a relationship ends

When a relationship doesn’t work out, you may have experienced the pain of heartache especially when the ending wasn’t your choice. The ache can feel very familiar, you’ve been there before and dread being that place. When you realize that it is your mind that is creating the pain, not the person or circumstance, you can free yourself from the heartache.

After a breakup, you feel extremely uncomfortable. You either want to do something external to feel better such as try to get him or her back or find a quick replacement, or you turn your aggression inward to self-criticism or victimization. Either way, you feel powerless to this person who holds all of the control over your happiness.

Just like any pain, you immediately want to find a way to cure it. All you want to do is run away…but you feel trapped inside your body with that nasty mind of yours telling you all sorts of crazy ideas. No matter what you tell yourself, you still feel like your mind is on a roller-coaster. You have a good morning and then all of a sudden you get a big emotional crash when you see your ex post on Facebook that they are now “in a relationship” and it isn’t with you.

The process feels like things are happening out there to you, but in reality, your mind is creating all the drama – it is happening THROUGH you. You only feel the pain because your mind believes that person had the power to make you feel good. No one has any power over you or your feelings, unless you hand it over to them.

The first step in freeing your mind is what we call the “practice of meta-consciousness” – the act of watching your thinking. By shifting your center of focus above you and look down at your human self as the witness, you should immediately get some relief.

A good example of meta-consciousness is imagining that you are standing on the bank of a rushing river. The river is carrying all of those obsessive, wild thoughts and emotions that poke you around like a pinball.  You can watch the rush of thinking on the bank and see they are just thoughts. You remain in peace until you latch onto one idea that floats by and it drags you into the rushing river and you feel out of control again.

You always have the choice to put yourself back on the bank. You can always choose what you focus on.

Your thoughts are making you feel bad, not the person. Most of what you think are made up of assumptions of what happened, fears about futures that never come and silly ideas other people told you from their limited level of awareness. Your conditioned thoughts are not real or permanent, they are just old stories.

When you gain control over your thoughts, you can then start to examine the emotions that are being triggered during your breakup. These emotions are the clue to why you haven’t found lasting love. Some popular quick-fix techniques will teach you to rid yourself of these feelings, such as clear or tap them away, but what you are actually doing is just repressing them DEEPER into your unconscious.  They will resurface again and with even more power.

Avoidance of emotion causes more harm, making you numb and afraid of life and enabling you to stay stuck in the status quo.

The source of heartache is within you and so is the solution. You cannot attract heartache if you don’t have the feelings already dormant inside. By revealing repressed thoughts and feelings, you can master and transform them without being intimated by them or wanting to fix anything. Then, you stop the pattern of drawing painful relationships into your life.

In investigating your emotions, here are some questions to ask yourself:

  • When did I feel this before?
  • What am I seeking in another person that I feel I lack?
  • What is the opposite of this feeling?
  • How old is this feeling?
  • What does this feeling need to feel relief?

When you reveal the source of your heartache, you can then have full control over all of your relationships. You won’t try to get him or her back or have the urgency to find a substitute to soothe your pain. You become the solution.

True freedom is to be the master of your mind and emotions. It is okay to feel the full range of emotions. Our feelings give our life deeper experience and meaning. You can experience any emotion with richness if you let the spirit in you be in charge of directing your life, rather than the emotions running the show.

When you enter a new relationship with the knowledge that you are the love master, the person you attract will be a mirror of your own personal mastery.

Need a Heartbreak Breakthrough?  Join us for our free call – How to get over your ex!

The best break-up ever

I was still single when I was pitching my first book at a writer’s conference. No matter where I was, I was on the lookout for my next boyfriend. As I stood in the registration line, my eyes went immediately to the best-looking guy in the room…as usual. Of course, we met, sparks flew and to top it off, he was a literary agent.

We had a long-distance fling and my mind was in a delusion that it was actually a real relationship that was going to lead to marriage, kids and a major book deal. I even knew from the first night I met him that he was a player, but he had me at hello and I couldn’t say goodbye.

We weren’t exclusive, but we spoke almost every day and he would feed me the lines I wanted to hear and believe. There was a part of me that knew he was wrong, but the lonely part of me just couldn’t let go. I felt like I was under a spell, he was a great manipulator.

The draw to him was uncanny as I felt like I was split personality, watching myself from outside saying, “What the heck are you doing, Debi?” I realized that no matter how much work I did on myself, this old part of me was hanging on to my old dating habits and wasn’t going to let go easily. I was in love with the dream and disconnected from reality.

Two powerful forces were at work. My divine self, knowing I deserved more, and the old me who felt insecure. My divine self won. I picked up the phone and told him I didn’t want to see him anymore and proclaimed these powerful words, “I want a real relationship!”

The best break-up ever wasn’t easy. The forces of my old limited self were still nipping at my heels. I had to change his name on my phone to “Very Bad Man” so when he called to try to reel me back in, I would remember he wasn’t the one. After about a week or so, the old self lost her power and my new powerful self was finally breaking through and settling in for a new future.

We often think that the process of self-development takes a long time. We work on ourselves tirelessly and still end up in the same place of doubt. It feels like you will never meet the person because you have SO much stuff to get through, but you aren’t conscious of the seeds that have already been planted. You are farther along than you think. Your big transformation can be just about making a decision to let go.

I not only broke up with this guy but I also broke up with my old self. Shortly after, I met Roberto – my true love and a real relationship. Within a few months I made my first television appearance which led to my first book deal. (No, I used another literary agent – a woman). One decision led to a major change that literally happened overnight.

I truly feel like agent-guy was an angel from heaven. He was sent to me to show me how to love myself. He had to be so bad to finally snap me out of my old ways. He forced me to finally take a stand and break the cycle of heartache. I am so grateful for his precious gift in my life, he gave me the space to find Roberto.

What or who do you need to let go of to finally let love in?

How to Let Go of Resentment

Jane Straus, Relationship ExpertListen to the replay of the Love Coach Show hosted by Debra Berndt with interview of Jane Straus ( about how resentment keeps love out of your life and how to let go and let love in. Jane Straus, Relationship ExpertAbout Jane Straus – Green 960 AM Radio Host of “Ask Jane”. Author, life coach, relationship expert, and media guest, Jane Straus works her magic “live” with individuals and couples on air, on the phone, or in the privacy of her office. She is the author of the popular “Enough Is Enough! Stop Enduring and Start Living Your Extraordinary Life,” written after being diagnosed and treated for a brain tumor when she was 48. Her philosophy of thriving is based on her 25 years of experience helping people overcome fears, self-judgments, and limiting beliefs. Her wise, compassionate, and witty approach is uniquely inspiring. Jane lives in Northern California with her husband and daughter.

Love Coach Show – Attracting the Perfect Relationship

Hypnotic Love Coach, Debra Berndt ( host of the Love Coach Show welcomes special guest, Angela Bear (
Angela is a Spiritual Business Advisor and will explain how to have the
perfect relationship by engaging your spirituality.

Angela is
* a recognized authority on Law of Attraction in practice
* a natural born intuitive and energy “reader”
* a channeler of Source Energy

Having trained and studied spirituality and personal development for
over 20 years she coaches and mentors individuals and runs workshops
and groups internationally.

Hypnosis to Heal Loneliness

Listen to Debra Berndt, Clinical Hypnotherapist, Dating Expert/Author/Speaker discuss how to heal loneliness through the power of hypnosis featured on Denver’s CHannel 7 News.  25% of US households consist of only one person (up from 10% in 1950).  Not all of these people are lonely, but most who are go to food, television and alcohol to keep them company.  Try Debra’s new Healing Loneliness program to shift your thinking to increase your confidence so that you can go out into the world again. click on Products above to see all the audios available.