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Why Love Pushes Some People Away

Have you ever experienced getting close to someone and suddenly, without warning, they create some sort of drama and fall out of your life? This happens with dates, friendships and even clients. You beat yourself up wishing you could have done something different and you blame yourself for their leaving. It isn’t your fault; you just experienced their “Intimacy Defense.”

When people are hurt at a young age by someone they trusted to keep them safe, they build a powerful defense from allowing anyone to get that close again. They desperately want connection, but when they bump up against the breaking point when they really start to care about you, something triggers in them to remind them of their old hurt and they run.

When they experience unconditional love and acceptance, instead of feeling good, they unconsciously interpret it as a threat to their survival. They find excuses to quit or run away by rationalizing with silly stories and making it your fault. They associate closeness with pain. Putting up the protective barriers not only cushions them from reliving the old pain but also closes them off to love.

The person who leaves has to project the problem onto you to avoid facing their own fears and preserving their ego. They justify their escape by making up exaggerated claims of mistakes you made or promises you didn’t keep. In a desperate attempt to justify their abandonment, they are forced to bend the truth to fit to their own agenda.

What is sad is that they will burn through friends, family and colleagues and never really get close to anyone. They play the victim but they are acting through their own self-punishment. The defense is so unconscious that they don’t even realize what they are doing.

To try to rationalize with a person like this is futile because their ego is so clever they are so convinced the problem is with you, not them. Instead of getting angry, see them as scared people. They must have gone through some tough hurts to be so defensive and afraid of love. Have compassion for them.

If you understand WHY it is happening you can stop beating yourself up about it. Don’t close down like them. Continue to open your heart knowing you did nothing wrong but present a loving opportunity to go deeper intimately in a relationship.

If you find yourself doing this to others, examine your fears of intimacy and the unconscious assumptions that have been made around relationships. If this is a pattern, you can change it by going toward the fear and seeing that there is no real threat to love.

In dating and coach/client relationships, there is always a level of intimacy that gets created. You are not responsible for the other person’s fears or projections. Some people are evolved enough to accept responsibility and transcend their fears. Your openness can be a catalyst for a breakthrough that will change all relationships in their life.

Unfortunately not everyone is ready to move past the Intimacy Defense, but that doesn’t mean you should shut down your heart and stop sharing all of who you are. As you continue to stay open, people who are ready to receive the exchange of love will flow into your life.

 

Have you experienced this? Write a comment below and share what you think!

Do you have Self-Help Shame?

I started reading self-help books in my twenties. I would spend hours in the bookstore in the relationships and self-help sections looking for new books on making my life better. I was very self-conscious standing there wondering what people thought about me. I hid the titles as I went to the check-out counter so no one would know what I was buying. I had self-help shame.

Back in those days I also hid my spiritual life. When I was down the Jersey shore with my friends, I would wake up early on Sundays to go to church before everyone got up. When I walked back to the house after church everyone was convinced that I was doing the “walk of shame,” not believing I was coming from church. I built a persona around fun Debbie and it wasn’t cool to talk about God.

I didn’t share my inner life with anyone. I was afraid people would think something was wrong with me; that I was screwed up psychologically and unfit for a relationship. I kept my up my carefree surface persona trying to keep my spiritual cat in the bag. I hoped that my “self-improvement project” would be done soon because I wanted to move on and become a normal person like everyone else

Anytime I would try to let a little of my deeper side out, I was often met with mockery or people looking at my strange as if I said aliens had landed. Friends and dates would challenge my beliefs and point out condescendingly that if all this self-help stuff worked I would have a relationship by now.

What I didn’t realize is that what I was seeing was my own judgment of self-help reflected back to me in the world. I was using personal development and spirituality as a way to fix myself with the assumption that only broken people do this type of thing. So the people I saw judging me were just a mirror of what I felt about myself.

The “healing” culture.

It wasn’t my fault really. The idea of healing is so pervasive in our culture that people assume that any inner reflection is about fixing something dysfunctional. I assumed that most people had life figured out. Everyone else got married at 23, had a solid career and stable life in a real house not a bachelorette apartment. I felt that there must be something wrong with me if I didn’t have all of those things.

The reality is that so-called “normal” people are afraid to be caught doing personal development are living a powerless existence. They are driven by the herd mentality of grasping for external validation and security and are constantly unsatisfied. It is almost a curse when they get what they want because then they never do the inner searching to take their life from good to great.

The reason the average Joe judges and fears self-helpers is because they secretly know there is something more to life but are afraid to look inside. They want to brush their discomfort aside and pretend everything is okay, terrified of being labeled as having any problems. They change the subject or run from any intimate conversation and keep themselves in a prison of ignorance.

The Mastery v. Fixing Approach

Everything shifted when I stopped trying to fix myself and started to see personal development as a way to master my mind and express my creative potential. Personal and spiritual growth wasn’t intended to be about healing with a diagnosis and cure. Positive psychology assumes everyone is already at the normal functioning level and wants to take you to your higher levels of consciousness.

When I realized that understanding my true nature is the most interesting subject in the world and I should be proud of my knowledge and wisdom, I started sharing what I learned with co-workers, bosses, friends and dates. When I saw myself more as a master of life rather than a broken person, people responded differently to me. Most people were surprisingly open and it brought me closer to people. Even though there are always some who were not ready to hear it, I kept sharing anyway.

My final test of my self-help shame was with someone I dated before I met Dr. Rob. We went on about 4 dates and on our last date he told me solemnly, “I am attracted to you, BUT all that spiritual stuff is not for me. I just can’t relate.” For the first time in my life I didn’t feel rejected at all because he was rejecting the part about me I loved the most. If he only liked my surface, then he wasn’t the one for me.

This change of self-expression led me to finally connecting with the love of my life who, from our very first conversation, would go to places no one else previously would talk about with me. I am glad I didn’t change who I was for the other guy because I really wanted a deeper connection. I get to have these conversations every single day with my true love!

Many people that do personal development work are private about it. They wouldn’t want to admit they hired a life coach or took a workshop as if that was a mark of madness. Some never reach out for help because they feel ashamed of investing in their personal life. They look at hiring a coach as a flaw rather than a demonstration of commitment to a bigger life. They believe that if they spend more money that must mean they need more “help” instead of viewing it as getting the best higher education in mastering their inner life.

The world is craving depth and soul.

The dating market is filled with tips on how to act correctly to catch an alpha man or get a makeover so you’ll get more dates. The business coaching market measures dollars earned rather than someone’s fulfillment and inner mastery. The ordinary person is caught up with chasing the external carrot and more dissatisfied with life than ever.

Learning about yourself, your psychology and the mysteries of your mind is the most fascinating journey you can take. It enriches your life and helps you feel more connected to your heart and soul. In fact, it is the only way to truly live.

The famous psychologist Abraham Maslow suggested that only a very small percentage of the population reach the level of self-actualization, so that makes you special and unique. We need more creative-minded people who want to stop being run by their conditioning like the rest of the masses. It is the people like you who expand the limits of the human imagination that inspire everyone to become what is possible.

The stigma of doing personal development or spiritual work has to change so more people will be inspired to embrace it. Teachers and students both must stop making it about healing and dysfunction and stick to its original purpose of human potential.

You are here for a higher purpose, not just survival

Your human conditioning is natural and necessary to survive. This is the sign of a healthy mind. But, we are put here to do more than just survive. We are given this life to become something more, to know our true nature and to experience life in all its greatness in love, abundance and health.

I hope one day that the world will see personal growth as normal and think the people who sleepwalking through life on autopilot are the real “outliers.” Deep down everyone is searching for answers. People who are willing to share what they learn will inspire others to find their path to become their potential and change the world.

 

What happens AFTER you meet someone?

When you are searching for a partner, the only thing most people focus on is the meeting. You have an online dating strategy plan and read up on the latest tips on dating etiquette so you can act accordingly and they remain interested. You may even think you have to clear so-called “blocks” so you can meet. Have you put so much energy in meeting the person that you rarely think about the time after you find him or her?

The urgency and anxiety you put into dating will not end when you meet someone, it will only magnify.

Honestly, I used to believe that everything would fall into place when I met the right person. The angels would belt out songs of joy and doves will be released and float around us and I would somehow finally be confident and secure. Time and time again I was wrong. Everyone I met was reflecting back to me my own insecurities and fears about being not good enough and alone.

I kept looking for someone to love me, when I needed to be that someone to me first.

Here’s the deal. You may focus on the image of their right person to meet like a cardboard cutout with a nice resume. Do you ever think about what being in a relationship with that person would be like? Are you prepared for the disagreements, fears, family drama and, yes, maybe even the children involved? Do you feel comfortable communicating your needs and keeping the spark alive? What about when the sex slows down or someone gets ill?

Most people, myself included, looked for love as a happy fairy-tale ending. We’ve been hypnotized to believe in those funny romantic comedies where the struggle happens before you meet and then when you finally come together everything is perfect for the rest of your life. But that is not real life, life is not easy and relationships are a living, changing experience that needs nurturing and continued growth.

You can tell how prepared you are for a real relationship in just the first few dates. Do you get anxiety around communication? Do you gauge all of your happiness onto whether he or she calls or asks you out on a weekend date? Do you feel a lack of control over your schedule or what you like to do together? Do you find it difficult to manage your emotions because you like the person so much?

These fears in a new relationship may temporarily subside when the act the way you want and give you the attention you crave, but the fear is not gone. This same fear will arise again when another difficulty shows up. You can stuff it and feel miserable as a prisoner under his/her control or you can sabotage and end it to move on to the next one who “knows how to treat you” without you having to explain it. Good luck with that plan.

When I started my personal development path to find love, I felt like I was a slow learner. So many people would fall into relationships while years later I was still poking at my inner child telling her to stop crying. I was just focused on fixing myself to meet “him” instead of growing myself to have a relationship that lasts.

The strategy of fixing yourself, removing blocks and following dating tips still focuses on the same idea…life will be better when I meet the person. Once I realized that I didn’t have to fix myself but to uncover my true self already inside of me, I stopped thinking there was something wrong with me. I no longer wanted to find a man to finally tell me that I was okay. I didn’t need to heal myself to feel OK.

Coming from a powerful place of “I am already okay” doesn’t happen overnight, but it happens a lot faster if you drop the healing and fixing to begin with. The constant searching for defects in you or your behavior is counter-productive. You cannot feel enough if you are always looking for ways where you feel broken without a partner.

Reclaiming your power is a process of letting go of the persona you have been conditioned to be as a shield defending the soft vulnerability of your humanity. It is a scary confrontation to drop the mask and see what is behind it. You must look directly at the places you don’t want to face inside of yourself that are only negative because of the story YOU assigned to it.

The truth is there is nothing negative about you and realizing that gives you power. Embracing all of your human tendencies with love and compassion will enable you to relate to another in a deep, intimate way without needing to run or hide.

Facing yourself where you don’t dare to look and being okay with it all allows you to open your heart to love. The only real reason you don’t have love is that you don’t want someone to see all of you. You will continue to attract people who also hide behind their masks and you will continue to project fears onto each other where there is no doorway for a deeper connection.

Can you meet someone without looking inside? Sure you can. People do it every day and most people are miserable in relationships because of their projections. You still have the chance to individuate and grow with each other but both parties now must take on the process. Jung said, “The best time to work on your relationship is before you get in one.”

Instead of fixing your persona, it is time to love and embrace all of who you are. If you do that BEFORE you meet, the bliss will not end after the first few dates. You will automatically have chemistry with someone who matches your inner self-love and the relationship will last.

True love isn’t about finding the right person but bringing the right person (your true self) into the relationship.

Are you seeking a guarantee of happiness?

Have you ever asked yourself why you wanted love? It seems like a ridiculous question to ask because you assume that everyone should want love. You believe that Mr. or Ms. Right can give you happiness. If you find the person, the happiness comes as part of the package – guaranteed!

Sometimes a relationship just happens. You meet the person in college and you have a connection and decide to stick together, get married, build a family and do what other people are doing. The ones who seem to fall into marriage just follow the path of society. The people who meet randomly aren’t better off than you. They chose a relationship unconsciously and maybe they get along fine, but maybe they are just settling. If being in a relationship guarantees happiness, the divorce rate wouldn’t be almost 60%.

For most people, the search for love begins with pain – a bad break-up, divorce or reaching a milestone age (child-bearing years are ticking away). Instead of allowing the natural flow of life to pass you by, you decide to take some action to make love happen so you are not feeling the pain of being alone anymore.

You are on a mission so you relentlessly date online, go to speed dating, go to social events to get your face-time, take classes and workshops to better yourself but still you are not finding true love. You get so defeated in your quest that the search is not fun, you are tired and wonder if you were just meant to be alone and endure this pain of loneliness forever.

When you reach the point of exhaustion and want to give up, you have forgotten your WHY. Why do you want love in the first place?

True love isn’t about alleviating pain and loneliness.

Most people are searching for love as a guarantee for happiness. If I could just find that person, everything will be fine in my life. No more misery, no more lonely nights, no more long weekends without any plans, no more isolation from my married friends, no more bad dates, no more heartache.

If you try to find a mate with the mind of pain, you will only attract more pain.

The only guarantee for happiness lies within you. You are the cause of happiness, not something or someone out there. It is hard to accept because we have been conditioned to think that happiness is external.

Happiness is already inside.

Our natural state is joy. The mind creates images and stories that constantly take us out of joy. The mind that says you aren’t good enough until you meet someone or that you are flawed and no one will ever love you. The mind will lie to you about the future and constantly remind you of the regrets of the past. The mind is never satisfied, always spinning its stories of nonsense to fill the moments of your day until you finally get a break when you go into deep sleep. When you awake, the mind is there to remind you of your miserable life again and the stories continue.

If you can sit with yourself in silence and watch those thoughts float by without believing them, you will eventually have some moments of pure bliss. You can touch that deep joy that is already in you.

As you access this inner perfection, you start to see the world in its perfect reflection. When you get into a relationship, you bring your own bliss (B.Y.O.B.) and the why for wanting a relationship isn’t coming from pain but coming from a powerful desire to share this gorgeous happiness that you are swimming in. That is a guarantee that you can count on and the type of love that is deep and lasting.

Exhausted from Trying to Change Your Life?

Feeling like you aren’t getting anywhere and frustrated with your results in trying to find love or make more money? Do you wonder if anything works or if you are just not meant to change? So many people share your frustration. The harder you try, though, the more you get the opposite result. Watch this video to find a way to FREE YOUR MIND to create what you want.

How to live in possibility to create your dream life

Why is it so hard to change our reality? If you are like me, you have probably heard dozens or even hundreds of lectures on changing your life. They tell you to think positive, feel the vision and take inspired action, but nothing seems to change. You wonder if this even works or if it only works for some people and not for you.

People ask us all the time “how do I create love, more money, a better body…?” You are always creating. You cannot stop creating. Through your whole life your thinking mind is working, it is spinning your outer reality, affecting your mood, your reactions to people and circumstances and mostly dragging you down.

The thinking mind summarizes your life events in an epic drama and the theme that is running is based on the quality of your thoughts. You cannot change your life unless you take responsibility for what you created so far. You are the author, the director and the actor in your own cosmic play.

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean that you beat yourself up, make yourself wrong and blame yourself for not being a good enough thinker. When you accept that you are creating your reality (consciously and unconsciously), you reclaim your power. Your creation may not always be perfect, but it is yours AND this realization reminds you that you have the choice to create something new.

The results in your life are not permanent. The ego only can re-create the past conditioning through its programmed reactions. When you are not in conscious control of your mind, this system works on autopilot and creates for you. The creative force weaving your life is still you; you just aren’t doing the driving. The ego mind is not imaginative or forward thinking, it just repeats the programs you set it up to do.

When you become conscious that you want a new result, you have to take back the reins of your mind and hold your will to a higher vision. This takes a lot of courage and mental effort because all of your senses and experiences of the past are telling you the opposite.

When what you don’t want shows up, your job is to consciously stop letting the autopilot reaction kick-in where emotions are triggered and you feel discouraged. There is a force within you stronger than your ego-mind that you must draw upon to transcend the experience. That force is called your Divine Self or some simply call it the Self.

The ego sees only limitations about what you already created in the past. The divine in you sees only unlimited possibilities. The ego sees the doors are closed and you better give up. The divine sees multiple doors and they are all open for you to choose from.

The ego sees that if you make a mistake and walk through the door, something terrible will happen. The divine knows that the door is just one of many choices and you have the freedom to keep opening new doors and creating more possibilities.

Each time you are faced with a result you have a choice. That feeling or reaction to the result is like a key that can either lock you in to the past or set you free to create something fresh. Ask yourself, “What is this showing me about my mind?” to remind yourself that you are in control, not external circumstances.

To live in possibility means to know there is always another door, another opportunity and that there is a powerful force within you that wants you to have what you want even more than you. That force has always been at your side and waiting for you to claim its power to create something extraordinary and live bigger.

Keep seeing every result as an open door. It is leading you to the next step on your journey. Don’t ignore it or run from it. Embrace it as your freedom is on the other side.

There is nothing wrong with you

For decades I searched for the answer to my life’s problems. I didn’t know my purpose, I was single and I hated my day job. I felt stuck but was always open to explore inside what I needed to fix to make my life better.

The journey started out hopeful, but the more I dug into my past family history, my relationships with my parents, siblings, romantic interests and bosses, the more problems I http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-photo-my-new-life-chapter-one-concept-fresh-start-year-resolution-dieting-healthy-lifestyle-image35008695seemed to uncover. I was told that I had all these wounds from the past that needed to be cleared for me to have a normal life.

My friends would recommend the latest magical cure and was very hopeful that each time it would help. I felt better for a while but then quickly lost all momentum when I had some minor upset that brings a person into a feeling of isolation and hurt. I felt like I would never be “healed” and that there was something wrong with me.

For years I navigated along the roller-coaster of my life, still searching for a partner, a career and peace of mind. I felt as though I was going crazy, that I couldn’t be in my own skin anymore. Hopelessness started to set in and I was exhausted from my constant fixing and repairing my damaged psyche.

I started to awaken from my almost zombie-like effort to “improve myself” mission when I realized that I was using personal development to feel better like a drug. If I did the technique correctly, then I would be good and worthy. When things didn’t fall into place, something was wrong with me. I felt like an old jalopy that keeps requiring repairs at the shop.

The ego-mind will tell you that you aren’t enough, that you’d be better in a relationship rather than single or if you found the right job, or your purpose and made more money. All those things are great, but should they be used to measure how good you are inside?

If you are waiting for external results to make you feel better about yourself, then you are falling into the same ego trap that prevents you from having joy in your life. You falsely believe that something out there can make you better.

If you continue this thinking eventually the ego-mind will tell you that you aren’t enough until you get the breakthrough, until you have deeper insight or you stop falling back to fear or old patterns. This personal development perfectionism can infiltrate the process of growth and pull you back down to being materialistic about your enlightenment.

You see many experts out there who feed this lie about needing healing. They tell you that if you just do this technique it will magically solve all life’s problems and you will be happy forever. Just one click, a few taps, one mantra, done. When you don’t get the man or the money, you beat yourself up and think you are wrong. Then, you move on to the next hot technique hungry to find your bliss.

If you approach your personal development as a fixing tool, like taking your psyche into a repair shop, you will never be satisfied. You may temporarily feel a high from a retreat or a class but it doesn’t last. Why, because you are starting off with a false assumption – that you need to be fixed in the first place.

There is nothing wrong with you.

The reason you don’t have what you want is because you haven’t learned how to use your mind to create. You don’t need to clear things from your mind or heal wounds, just understand how the mind creates and take the reins back from ego that is driving your life on auto-pilot.

Your ego doesn’t need to be fixed; it is a necessary function that helps you survive. All you need to do to have more joy in your life is access the higher mind beyond the ego – your true self. You have to stop believing you are just your thoughts.

Your true self can never be harmed, injured, burned or destroyed. Instead of trying to re-arrange furniture in your ego lower mind, you can transcend to the higher mind to see that you are already enlightened. You have an ego that prevents you from seeing this clearly.

When you make mistakes, have a negative day or have a temporary setback, it doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong or you have blocks. This is normal. Your ego will resist and without the ego’s resistance you wouldn’t grow. These obstacles are a gift to bring you closer to your true self.

The proper way to use personal development is not as a medicine cabinet but as a way to understand your mind so you can use it as an ally to navigate the journey of your life. The more you learn and accept all parts of yourself, the easier life becomes.

If you want to have the love, the money, the lifestyle and the career of your dreams, you must be willing to face the parts of life you are running from including tough times, heartaches and so-called failures. If you stop trying to fix them but learn from them you can truly grow into the person who has it all.

Are you an attention addict?

When you meet someone new, do you constantly check your phone to see if he texted you? Do you feel a surge of relief when you get that sweet note, “hey babe” and forget about the last two hours obsessing over how he was going to break up with you? If this sounds familiar, you may be addicted to attention.

Here’s the thing. Everyone is addicted to attention to some extent. We are social creatures and we have all been conditioned to measure our worth from the feedback of others. This addiction started with our parents. You were praised when you were good and they withdrew attention when you were bad.

In school, you are constantly receiving validation based on what social group you affiliated yourself. If you were in the cool crowd, you felt like you were worth more and the geeks were somehow less valuable. They interviewed people about their high school years. Every person, whether they were the football star, class president, or class nerd, all said they never felt like they fit in. We are all seeking that approval and attention.

Imagine this need for approval entering your dating life. You think you are in love, but you are really just looking for them to give you that reassurance that you are okay. How many times have you wanted someone to want you back just for the attention and that feeling of being wanted?

The attention addict is constantly looking externally for validation from others, which is a very insecure place to be. You cannot control other peoples’ projections and subjective opinions. You ride a roller-coaster of emotions as you perceive them giving and taking away attention along with your sense of self-worth.

Now some of you may be thinking, “I hate attention, this is not me at all. I like to hide.” Well, sorry but this is just the other side of the same coin. By avoiding attention, you are still terrified of what others will think of you. Just like the attention addict, you give them power to gauge your worth but you are too scared to come out and face the rejection.

The way to free yourself from the addiction of approval of others is to value only one person’s opinion – your own. If you believe in you, then what others say won’t matter. You can find a solid ground of love within.

A Vedanta teacher once said, “You cannot believe in God (divine/universe) unless you believe in yourself.” This is a very powerful statement. I see many so-called “spiritual” people claiming they have great connection to the higher realms but are constantly seeking attention and approval from other human beings who are fickle and, for the most part, hate themselves.

A great mantra to say to yourself is, “The only approval is need is my own.” Give yourself attention. Be compassionate to yourself when you say the wrong things, get people mad or feel like you pushed someone away with your neediness. Don’t kick yourself to the curb anymore, you need to give yourself the attention you crave.

If you only knew your true self, you would never be scared or feel insecure. You are divine. If you are going to be addicted to something, start with a little self-love crack. It’s free, it’s legal and it takes you to another way of being.

How to say “no” without feeling guilty

Have you ever wanted to say “no” but just couldn’t get the words out of your mouth? You say what you think the other person wants to hear, agree to something you would rather not do or completely lie to them to avoid saying what you really want to say? This happens in all areas of life, from dating to the homeless person on the street begging for money. Why is it so hard for people to just say, “No?”

We are social creatures and our behavior is based on people liking and accepting us. We create the persona of the nice person, the good girl or boy, the generous person,http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-images-happy-beautiful-woman-image20845569 the kind, sweet, responsible one, the list goes on and on to reflect the facade of likeability.

You may argue that isn’t it desirable to be a good person that people like? Sure it is, but if you are pretending to be a good person and lying, you are being manipulative which isn’t good for you or them. If you make up lies to trick someone into thinking you are nice, that is not being so nice.

Dating is an excellent opportunity to give you the chance to say “No, thank you.” You have probably been on a number of dates where they ask you out again and you aren’t interested. Instead of saying, “No.” You avoid them, say “sure” but don’t mean it or make up some crazy lie about leaving the country for a few months and you will be sure to check back when you return. Sound familiar?

How many times has someone avoided being straight with you? They led you on or made you think they were interested when they weren’t and you thought they were a jerk or a bitch. Well, maybe they weren’t bad people and just afraid of saying, “No, thank you” because they wanted to come across as a nice person.

The reason we struggle so much with the word “no” is because it makes us feel guilty. We feel terrible rejecting people in dating or telling a friend that we really don’t want to watch their dog while they are on vacation. There is a pressure that we should be what people expect of us and, above all, do not disappoint anyone.

The guilt comes from our assumption of how we feel when someone says “no” to us. Our mind makes up stories that we aren’t that important or lovable or that person would have said “yes.” We personalize the “no’s” given to us and make them mean something more than just “no.”

The guilt then turns into anger because then you project that onto the person who put you in this situation. You are mad at yourself and them. Again, not so nice and you create lots of anger in your shadow.

To make an empowered “no” without guilt, you must learn to accept the “no’s” you hear without judgment on your personal value. Applaud those who stand up for themselves and keep strong boundaries. Don’t judge them as being mean or rigid but someone who has a good backbone and willing to step out into not being liked to take care of them selves.

Being liked by everyone is exhausting. There is so much pressure to please and you turn into a wet rag that is tossed around by the external world, floppy and inconsistent. Yes, a wet rag isn’t very attractive and makes everyone feel insecure. You don’t really know who you are if you are too busy pleasing the world and turning yourself into a pretzel to avoid just saying, “No, thank you.”

You don’t have to go to the extreme of being disliked and rude, but you want to find that balance between keeping your boundaries and being way too generous and resentful. You must believe that saying “no” to requests inspires others to stand up for their values and boundaries. You demonstrate what it means to be certain of who you are and they learn from you.

You are never going to get everyone to like you, so relax. Just be yourself, be transparent and then your real friends will appreciate your honesty and authenticity. You will also find a man or woman who truly respects and loves you because you are respecting and loving yourself.

Why you reject the “nice” guys (or girls) in dating.

You meet someone and they seem like a possible match, but as the date goes on you start to feel annoyed and uncomfortable with their fondness of you. You give them one or two more dates to see if the attraction shifts because they seem nice and you don’t want to be alone. Still, there is that invisible force that repels you from them. You wonder why you are only attracted to the ones you cannot have.

This is a very common dilemma in relationships. If you are old enough to remember the song by The Kinks, “He loves her and she loves him and he loves somebody else, you just can’t win…Love Stinks.” This about sums it up. Everyone wants what they can’t have but why? The reason…their Love Shadow.

The shadow is a part of our psyche that isn’t dark or bad, but unconscious. What remains in the http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-image-love-first-sight-image14496431shadow are ideas that we suppress, ignore them or deny because they are too painful or uncomfortable to look at consciously. What we end up doing is projecting those ideas onto the people we meet. Anything that we don’t accept about ourselves, good or bad, we see in others.

When you are infatuated with someone, you are seeing the goodness in you that you haven’t accepted in yourself. Their rejection of you confirms your belief that you aren’t lovable and you seek them out because it matches your conditioning – not accepting yourself. The ego feels safe to recreate this dynamic over and over again because it is familiar.

When someone is infatuated with you and you don’t love yourself enough, you will find his romantic advances repulsive. Just like you deny your own self-worth and love, you project it out on to adoring man seeing him as worthless. The rejection is automatic and part of the same dynamic as above.

You may say the reason for the lack of attraction is his skin, his hair (or lack thereof), he seems he too feminine, too available, tries too hard, too short, and so on. The rejection isn’t about those things, it is because you see the parts of you that you don’t want to look at in him and you can’t stand to look at them. All you want to do is run.

This is the power of the shadow. It feels like what you are seeing is about the other person, but what you are seeing is really an aspect of yourself. If you do not uncover your shadow, you will play out the same patterns over and over and think that you are just having bad luck in love.

So, some people who have low confidence put on a persona (mask) that they “have it all together.” If a date acts insecure in any way, this type of person will be repulsed by the date’s insecurity. Not because being insecure doesn’t follow the dating rules, but because you judge it so harshly in yourself. If you feel unattractive, too old or not thin enough, you will tend to see lots of unattractive people liking you and pursuing you. By judging them, you are making yourself feel even less attractive. The shadow is projecting on to them and you are looking in the mirror at yourself.

To change your results, you must face your shadow. It is a process you cannot do alone and requires a coach to guide you. For now, here’s something to start with to see your own shadow. Look at the people you date who really trigger you, they are showing you an aspect of your shadow. Your judgment puts them in a good/bad column and that judgment on them is also a way you judge yourself. This judgment limits how you act in the world and keeps you a prisoner in your own mind.

When you see your true self beyond your shadow projections and fully accept all parts of you, you can fully open your heart and accept someone into your life that matches the REAL YOU. There is nothing about you that is broken. The shadow process isn’t about healing at all, but simply becoming more conscious of the divine that is within you.