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What Makes a Conscious Man (or Woman) Fall in Love? How to create Conscious Chemistry® with the one who is meant for the true you.

Dating Advice Articles

Read through these valuable tips and insights on how to attract the love of your life.

Facing Resistance? If it doesn’t come easy, there must be something wrong.

After years of personal development, I fell into the trap of searching for the path of least resistance. Whenever things got hard for me, I would beat myself up and think that something was wrong or, worse, that I was wrong. It seemed as though everyone else had some sort of magical manifestation powers and I was somehow flawed and damaged. What I didn’t realize is that my resistance was actually a gift in a clever disguise.

I was told by many gurus that I needed to raise my vibration or frequency, remove my subconscious blocks, heal my childhood wounds and shift my energy to attract a better life. They told me the reason I didn’t have what I wanted was because I had too much negative energy or beliefs that held me back. I tried to clear it, heal it, bypass it, and even overpower it with positive thinking but nothing seemed to work. Resistance was always there and I felt I was always struggling.

The biggest shift came to me when I discovered that resistance is good and plays a critical part of the journey to bigger dreams. When I learned how to use resistance instead of try to get rid of it, I was able to see fast changes and I felt more empowered through the challenges I faced rather than defeated.

We are conditioned to stay in our comfort zone so when we try to change our life we hit resistance naturally. Resistance is a sign that we are GROWING and moving outside of our old patterns, not a symptom of negative energy.

The more resistance you experience is just reflecting that there is a lot of creative energy behind it. For years I was pushing it aside and actually suppressing it in my unconscious. The battle to make changes in your life is not external, but an internal battle of your ego fighting to keep you the same and the True Self wanting to grow. The more energy there is, the more your true self is pressing for more creativity and growth.

Give Up or Grow Up

For most people, resistance is when people give up. They perceive the world as separate from them, a greater force that influences their capacity for love, wealth and happiness. They feel small and powerless and the ego has effectively done its job to keep you in your comfort bubble.

A few visionary people see the truth, that the world is just a reflection of their mind. The mind is the cause and the world is the effect. They know the conflict out there is just mirroring their conflict inside. The resistance is just the ego’s desire to be safe and familiar while the divine desire to grow is starting to propel them forward.

The most successful people use resistance to grow up. They face old childish fears head-on and draw up inside the courage they already have to break free to become who they really are – a limitless being.

You can tell yourself on the surface that you are spiritual and enlightened but until you dig deep through the fear and have an experience of yourself as something greater than your ego, it is just indirect knowledge. The resistance serves as a birth to a new you that helps you discover how powerful you are in creating your life.

If you are feeling resistance right now, here’s a first step to facing it head-on. Resistance comes in the form of accidents, job loss, break-ups, financial emergencies, loss of loved one, procrastination and avoidance of living your purpose.

 

  1. Select one that you are facing and examine the result as a witness rather than from your ego “I” as if you were watching another person experience the result.
  2. As you examine the result, write down all the assumptions you are making about the result and who you are as a person. What kind of person gets this type of result?
  3. If this person realized they were divine and unlimited, how would he/she see this differently?
  4. How is this resistance showing me something about my approach to my goal and my life?

Find the gold inside the resistance to help you grow from these insights. Sometimes it just takes sitting with the feeling and watching your mind make stories up about it so you can see your mind in action. This process is like becoming aware of an unconscious habit so you can make a conscious choice to change.

Resistance is unconscious material rising to surface so you can see it and use it to take yourself off of autopilot. Without resistance it would continue to run your life behind the scenes. This is why it is GOLD.

Carl Jung says, that “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will think of it as fate.”

Resistance is the key that either locks you into the old pattern or the key to set you free.

The Right Way to Visualize to Draw in Your True Love

Have you been using visualization, but still not seeing results? There is a big mistake most people make when trying to visualize being with their true love. Watch my video revealing the MOST EFFECTIVE WAY to visualize for fastest results. Discover this simple adjustment that can make ALL the difference in drawing in the love of your life.

Don’t forget to leave a comment below and tell us what you think!  Believe in love.

Why you reject the “nice” guys (or girls) in dating.

You meet someone and they seem like a possible match, but as the date goes on you start to feel annoyed and uncomfortable with their fondness of you. You give them one or two more dates to see if the attraction shifts because they seem nice and you don’t want to be alone. Still, there is that invisible force that repels you from them. You wonder why you are only attracted to the ones you cannot have.

This is a very common dilemma in relationships. If you are old enough to remember the song by The Kinks, “He loves her and she loves him and he loves somebody else, you just can’t win…Love Stinks.” This about sums it up. Everyone wants what they can’t have but why? The reason…their Love Shadow.

The shadow is a part of our psyche that isn’t dark or bad, but unconscious. What remains in the http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-image-love-first-sight-image14496431shadow are ideas that we suppress, ignore them or deny because they are too painful or uncomfortable to look at consciously. What we end up doing is projecting those ideas onto the people we meet. Anything that we don’t accept about ourselves, good or bad, we see in others.

When you are infatuated with someone, you are seeing the goodness in you that you haven’t accepted in yourself. Their rejection of you confirms your belief that you aren’t lovable and you seek them out because it matches your conditioning – not accepting yourself. The ego feels safe to recreate this dynamic over and over again because it is familiar.

When someone is infatuated with you and you don’t love yourself enough, you will find his romantic advances repulsive. Just like you deny your own self-worth and love, you project it out on to adoring man seeing him as worthless. The rejection is automatic and part of the same dynamic as above.

You may say the reason for the lack of attraction is his skin, his hair (or lack thereof), he seems he too feminine, too available, tries too hard, too short, and so on. The rejection isn’t about those things, it is because you see the parts of you that you don’t want to look at in him and you can’t stand to look at them. All you want to do is run.

This is the power of the shadow. It feels like what you are seeing is about the other person, but what you are seeing is really an aspect of yourself. If you do not uncover your shadow, you will play out the same patterns over and over and think that you are just having bad luck in love.

So, some people who have low confidence put on a persona (mask) that they “have it all together.” If a date acts insecure in any way, this type of person will be repulsed by the date’s insecurity. Not because being insecure doesn’t follow the dating rules, but because you judge it so harshly in yourself. If you feel unattractive, too old or not thin enough, you will tend to see lots of unattractive people liking you and pursuing you. By judging them, you are making yourself feel even less attractive. The shadow is projecting on to them and you are looking in the mirror at yourself.

To change your results, you must face your shadow. It is a process you cannot do alone and requires a coach to guide you. For now, here’s something to start with to see your own shadow. Look at the people you date who really trigger you, they are showing you an aspect of your shadow. Your judgment puts them in a good/bad column and that judgment on them is also a way you judge yourself. This judgment limits how you act in the world and keeps you a prisoner in your own mind.

When you see your true self beyond your shadow projections and fully accept all parts of you, you can fully open your heart and accept someone into your life that matches the REAL YOU. There is nothing about you that is broken. The shadow process isn’t about healing at all, but simply becoming more conscious of the divine that is within you.

How to deal with your urgency to find the one

Feeling like you want to find love…yesterday? Tired of waking up every day alone? Frustrated with not being able to make it work and beating yourself up? Are you exhausted? Here’s a video to help you relax and get to the root of your urgency so you can find true love out of lightness v heavy need.

Be sure to leave your comments below!

Why are you attracting people who are not available for love?

Do you ask yourself, “Why am I attracting people who are not available for love or no one at all?” The reason isn’t bad online dating sites, http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-image-love-first-sight-image14496431your luck, your looks, age or the city you live in. The reason lies within you. You are getting the result in love that you secretly want. Of course, this reason is completely not conscious or you would have changed it already. No amount of positive thinking or visualization will help if you don’t find out the unconscious reason for your current results.

You get a benefit from the pattern of people you are attracting that serves you and, most of the time, it makes no logical sense but to the ego who is trying to protect you. You only get results that serve you in some way or you would not continue to create the pattern. Yes, surprisingly even what appears to be destructive results can serve you.

A common benefit that people get from being interested in someone who is not ready for love is to keep them at a safe distance from a real relationship. You can enjoy romantic feelings without the threat of getting too close. Although you consciously claim to want more, your results show your true unconscious intentions – stay away from a real relationship.

Here are some signs you are keeping people at a safe distance:

  • Causing fights or looking for problems when things are about to go to next level in a relationship
  • A pattern of long-distance relationships or people who are hung up on their ex and can’t commit to you
  • Dating someone who wants to keep it casual
  • Friends with benefits (including your ex)
  • Dating people who are much older or younger than you
  • Being highly-selective to the point of only Jesus or Buddah would make the grade
  • Fantasizing about an ex that you will never get back
  • Being interested in someone until they are interested in you and then you run
  • Being uninterested in someone until they lose interest in you and then you suddenly like them
  • Coming on too strong and needy to push them away

Why do we keep people at a safe distance? Well, we learn from our parents how close we can get to people through our relationship with them and witnessing their relationship with each other. Each of us has an individual “closeness threshold” that can vary with children brought up in the same home.

You can easily see your current closeness threshold by looking at your results. Notice the fear that comes up when people step beyond your comfort zone. Usually, you see it very clearly when someone is really interested and you back off because they freak you out with all their attention.

For years, I always wanted the one I could not have. I thought men were non-committal jerks, but I finally realized that I was the one who was non-committal. I discovered the unconscious source and pushed through my fear-barrier of opening my heart. This process gave me the courage to reduce my closeness threshold to allow Robert to step in to my life and into my heart.

The ego is keeping you at a safe distance because it is protecting you from something in your Love Shadow™ (which is unconscious). This pattern will run your love life until you make it conscious. Of course, this closeness threshold has many layers to it but you can start with one simple exercise.

Write down all the benefits you get from getting your current results in love. Keep writing until all the logical stuff comes through and then write anything that comes to mind no matter how ridiculous. A big surprise will pop out for you. If you can’t get an insight right away, just let it sit there because it will come to you.

Notice the patterns in your love life and take responsibility that you have the power to change them. You can begin by challenging yourself to get closer to everyone in your life. Pay attention to where you stop in fear when you need to communicate what you want or when someone is getting too close. They seem like opposite examples but they are connected.

You have the power to adjust your closeness threshold to allow a comfortable intimacy and find a true heart connection with your ideal partner. Trust the answer is within you to find love and love will find you.

How Holiday Blues Can Help You Find Love

Some people just love the holidays from the joyful jingles and decorations to the shopping and festivities. When I was single, the holidays were not so jolly. If you are like me, you probably want to just hibernate until January 2nd.  I used to think my life (and happiness) was on hold until Mr. Right came along. I didn’t realize that my holiday blues held the KEY to why I didn’t have love in my life.

When you feel that familiar unease, think of it as a part of you that believes you deserve more in life and it wants you to have love. This unsettled energy in you wants to be expressed in a romantic relationship. We think the triggers that show up during holiday season are bad, but the stress is caused by a battle between the part that wants love and the part of you that resists it.

What most people do is try to heal the pain with techniques or drown the sadness out with too many drinks at the company holiday party. They numb away that voice inside that says, “I want that too!” when you see a happy couple or feel left out at the family couples crowd. You want to run and hide and feel sorry for yourself instead of facing your current reality.

The key to finding love is inside the trigger. The “idea” of having a loving relationship should create excitement and anticipation, not pain. The discomfort is a clue that your desire for love is clouded with a lesser desire to feel good enough, worthy or secure through another person. Your mind is reflecting back (by the way of emotional triggers) what you can’t consciously see about your true beliefs around love.

If you truly believed love was possible and it was only a matter of time, then you wouldn’t be emotionally tossed around when your cousin, co-worker or best-friend gets engaged. You would see their results as a reminder that love is also possible for you. You would be filled with joy for them and feel love is closer than ever

Of course, we are not monks and knowing this intellectually is a lot easier than embodying this in your heart as true.  In order to transcend your old way of thinking you can start with using your holiday blues as a transformational tool.

  • First step:  Identify the feeling. Is it fear, anxiety, anger?
  • Second step: Ask yourself truthfully, would meeting someone alleviate this feeling or magnify it?
  • Third step: Give the feeling a character name.  (Scrooge comes to mind)
  • Fourth step: Ask your inner scrooge what it really needs to feel better. Keep asking the question until you get to a feeling.
  • Fifth Step: Find ways to give yourself this feeling every day so you don’t feel dependent on getting it from others.

As you practice this exercise, you will notice that you are not as triggered anymore. You will start to say, “Good for them” when you see a happy couple or “Yes!” with joyful anticipation. Happy couples are the positive aspects of your shadow. If you don’t see people in love, you couldn’t possibly have the potential inside of you.

Remember that the energy you put out your mind reflects back to you. Holding fear, anger and anxiety will only bring more circumstances that reinforce those feelings. Why not focus on the happiness and joy so you can transform your external reality into circumstances and people who reflect that back?

When you realize that the power and choice has always been inside of you as to how to feel and what you create, you tap into the limitless imagination of your spirit or soul. You start creating miracles in your love life.

Thank all those gooey, happy couples for reminding you of what is possible and you will be celebrating the new year with a lasting relationship sooner than you think.

Are you hiding from love?

shadowboxes3For many years I was out there searching for my true love. I never let a weekend go by without some plan to meet available men. I went to sporting events, happy hours, friends’ parties, weddings, concerts, events, and even put myself online. If I had no plans for the weekend, I would immediately go into a panic thinking I was going to miss out on meeting “him.” If a person told me I was hiding from love back then I would have thought they were crazy. The truth is that I was hiding in plain sight.

No matter how much you do to make love happen, if you are not meeting your match, you are hiding in some way. You may be consciously hiding by avoiding online dating or socializing. You could also be really making the effort but never making a connection. Either way you are hiding from a relationship if you won’t let it show up for you.

If you are consciously hiding you can’t simply go out there to change your experience, you have to discover why you are hiding. Upon first examination, you may have very logical reasons. I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t trust men or women, I don’t know where to go, online dating is not for me, I am not social, and so on. They all sound rational, but not the real reason you are hiding.

If you are making great efforts to date, making yourself physically available to meet a potential partner, you must uncover why you are unconsciously hiding. Why isn’t that ideal person seeing you? Finding a match isn’t about fate or luck, but your lack of results are reflecting something back about you.

If you are taking lots of online courses but never finish them or avoid getting personal support, you think the reason may be about the investment but it is really the fear of coming out of hiding. It is easy to hide behind a computer and listen to visualizations, but to talk to someone about your deeper stuff can be quite intimidating.

Why would you hide from love? This just doesn’t make any sense. Well, you aren’t really hiding from a person, but what a close relationship will bring up in you. For me, I was hiding from being vulnerable and intimate, sharing my feelings. It was terrifying for me. I didn’t realize that by attracting emotionally unavailable men, it kept me in a safe place. I could hide in plain sight.

When you hide from a relationship, you are really avoiding facing a shadow part of you. The shadow parts are unconscious that you find unacceptable or scary (some of them are your beauty, sensitivity, brilliance, by the way). You learned to hide the shadow to survive when you were young and then forgot that you hid these qualities away.

This shadow self is controlling your love choices unconsciously, actually bringing you people who possess the qualities you do not accept about yourself instead of what you want. The shadow is powerful until you see through it and then it no longer runs your love life. You are free to choose.

Carl Jung says that people will do the most ridiculous things to avoid facing the shadow. We have seen people create drama in their life to distract them, experience a job loss or car breakdown, an accident (lots of broken feet strangely) to stop them from attending an event or join a program that they know is starting to give them results). They will even sabotage relationships with friends, family or potential mates to avoid getting too close to the shadow.

If you want to learn what you are hiding from, don’t focus on the fear of what you will lose if you get into another failed relationship but what is so risky about having a great relationship that lasts? This may sound ridiculous that you would hide from something great, but you are already doing it and it is serving you on some level.

Imagine being in that amazing relationship and what you would think is the downside of everything being wonderful and lasting. You know you get a handle on a piece of your shadow when you feel an emotion triggered that sets off your discomfort alarm. The key is to go beyond your known fears and face the ones in your shadow without judging them or yourself.

Sometimes it takes you to come to the breaking point where hiding is more painful than making a change. You turn 40, 50, 60 and finally say, I can’t hide anymore. The divine in you is always pushing you to be more of your true self. Then, you finally have the courage to face the shadow.

Once you bring what you are hiding into the light without judgment, you will be empowered to step out and be seen in your true magnificence. If you don’t judge these parts, you will no longer need to hide them or yourself from great love. You will realize that the shadow is full of gifts and love that you have been hiding from.

You will discover that the love you sought out in the world was always hidden inside.

Vulnerability of Hope for Love

If you have been single for more than a year and find that love seems to be nowhere in sight, it will probably be pretty hard to have faith that you can find a partner. You may be afraid to believe that a true partner is out there for you and to open up to the vulnerability of hope.

You may think you are being strong and rational in your stand that maybe love isn’t going to happen for you. You wear a mask telling people that you don’t need a relationship or that you aren’t ready for one yet. But, this mask is only covering up the shadow of fear of being alone forever. Even if others don’t see your deeper desire for love, you know the truth. The yearning is still there.

You attend family gatherings, baby showers and weddings with a brave face, getting triggered every time someone asked if there is someone special in your life. The holidays are torture and anger increases with every sorrowful look from relatives about your single status.

You may have had hope at one time and believed in love, but multiple disappointments have dissolved any hope inside that something will change. With each let-down, the wall builds around you as a protection from hope until it is almost extinguished.

You build up the evidence for your hopelessly single case as a barrier around your heart. You defend your lack of results with the “facts” that it is hard to meet someone at your age, at your size, at your income level, in your city, in your profession, and so on. The defenses of love keep you safe inside your cocoon so no one can hurt you.

Most people think vulnerability is a weakness, but it takes strength and courage to let down the masks that hide your deepest self. You deny the part that wants to be romantic, that wants to hope and really believe because you are afraid that if you don’t find it, you will look like a fool.

Opening up to the vulnerability of hope requires dropping the mask of “I don’t care” or “The odds are against me” and really standing for what you want to believe. This will not only change your state of mind but will also affect the quality of your dating life. You will be happier and approaching love with joyful anticipation and your dates will feel your open heart.

The key has always been inside of you. Look at the places where you do not allow yourself to be vulnerable and be brave enough to open them up. Your deeper self will no longer be shoved aside by your surface doubts and your true essence will begin to shine brightly in the direction of lasting love.

How can I love myself when I am always being rejected?

You hear it all the time, “you have to love yourself first and then someone will love you.” I used to hate that phrase.  Sure, it makes sense, but how do you love yourself when you are constantly being rejected or discarded in dating?

This common self-help quote didn’t help me much. I tried to love myself. I took confidence workshops and I said my affirmations and, when someone I liked stopped calling, my positive thoughts turned into self-hate again. I thought, “What is wrong with me? Am I not young or thin enough or pretty enough? Do I need to be more fun and interesting? Am I just so nerdy that I am so repulsive to men?”

The answer was right in front of me. It was in the way I responded to their rejection that actually fed my low self-esteem. Instead of saying, “Wow, he lost out,” I would put the blame squarely on me and would tear myself apart. Oh, and thanks to those books on “Why he didn’t call you back” I felt even worse. This behavior was not very self-loving and I was trapped in a negative feedback cycle.

That is why I do what I do. I want to empower people to stop taking rejection so hard and really believe they are lovable. I know what it is like to be inside those nasty self-loathing thoughts and I want to you to be liberated like I was and find real love.  So, if you feel down when someone rejects you, here are three ways you can start to turn this around.

1. Create a belief system that doesn’t put a man/woman on a pedestal to judge or gauge your worth. For example, if you believe in a higher power, don’t you think the universe/God/Divine thinks you are pretty awesome? Find a spiritual resource where you can access love inside, a greater and much higher love. Once you have divine love, you won’t have to rely on a basic human being to give you approval.

2. Realize that the reason people reject you doesn’t have to do with you. I know, the “what men want” and other dating tips will tell you that it is your fault they didn’t call. People reject others because they are afraid of intimacy, especially when they bolt and don’t confront you. They project their shadow parts on to you. What makes them run has nothing to do with who you are or something you did. They are running away from themselves. No acting or dating games will help you overcome their shadow. Yes, you can throw the “rules” book out now or burn it.

3. Notice the pattern of your reaction to the rejection. What is the common theme? The pattern is reflecting back to you how you see yourself. If you see yourself as broken or insecure, your reaction to the rejection will feed that story. Now, since you made up that story, the first step is to make up a new one that is more loving and supportive. Since you will never know the “real” story, why not pick one that makes you feel good about yourself instead of bad? You may argue that it is lying to yourself. Well, the fact that you are awesome is really the truth. You are lying to yourself when you think you are less than wonderful.

Rejection is just a story about an event that occurred. People reject others based on what they cannot accept about themselves. You cannot control how other people feel about you nor can you manipulate their love, all you can do is change how you react to their behavior. As you shift your reaction from self-blame to self-love, the people who show up in your life will affirm your response. You won’t be rejected anymore because you aren’t holding that energy. If you love and adore yourself, others will too. If they don’t, they won’t matter anyway.

Why people avoid the truth in relationships

Everyone wants to be honest, but dating breeds lies. We have all been there. A person says that they are interested in a serious relationship and then they disappear after a few weeks of dating or after you had sex. You thought you had a great connection but then suddenly they drop off the face of the earth. Sometimes they break up with a text or leave a message on your phone when they know you aren’t going to answer. What is that about?

Sometimes they lie about whether they had a good time and that they will call. They act interested but then you never hear from them or they don’t return your calls. You wish someone would just tell you how they feel, but  secretly we may prefer to not know the truth.

This behavior all comes down to one thing…fear of confrontation. Somewhere along the line we have all been told how to behave, when to share and when to shut up. Most of us have been conditioned to avoid the truth because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings OR we don’t want people to challenge us on our truth because we don’t have enough confidence in ourselves. We hide behind the mask, but attract what we avoid.

The problem with white lies is that you really think you are being nice. I remember a time when I met this guy who was really great but I just wasn’t interested and I was afraid to hurt him. I kept stringing him along because I hoped he would eventually lose interest and go away.  What I realized was that I wasn’t being nice at all. I was actually being mean.

When I finally told him the truth he said, “Thank you. At least now I know where I stand and can move on. I appreciate your honesty.” That broke an old pattern of mine where I would just not return phone calls but, at the same time, complained about men who did that to me. It was liberating to just say what I really felt. Honest communication with a man…wow.

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