What Makes a Conscious Man (or Woman) Fall in Love? How to create Conscious Chemistry® with the one who is meant for the true you.

Vulnerability of Hope for Love

If you have been single for more than a year and find that love seems to be nowhere in sight, it will probably be pretty hard to have faith that you can find a partner. You may be afraid to believe that a true partner is out there for you and to open up to the vulnerability of hope.

You may think you are being strong and rational in your stand that maybe love isn’t going to happen for you. You wear a mask telling people that you don’t need a relationship or that you aren’t ready for one yet. But, this mask is only covering up the shadow of fear of being alone forever. Even if others don’t see your deeper desire for love, you know the truth. The yearning is still there.

You attend family gatherings, baby showers and weddings with a brave face, getting triggered every time someone asked if there is someone special in your life. The holidays are torture and anger increases with every sorrowful look from relatives about your single status.

You may have had hope at one time and believed in love, but multiple disappointments have dissolved any hope inside that something will change. With each let-down, the wall builds around you as a protection from hope until it is almost extinguished.

You build up the evidence for your hopelessly single case as a barrier around your heart. You defend your lack of results with the “facts” that it is hard to meet someone at your age, at your size, at your income level, in your city, in your profession, and so on. The defenses of love keep you safe inside your cocoon so no one can hurt you.

Most people think vulnerability is a weakness, but it takes strength and courage to let down the masks that hide your deepest self. You deny the part that wants to be romantic, that wants to hope and really believe because you are afraid that if you don’t find it, you will look like a fool.

Opening up to the vulnerability of hope requires dropping the mask of “I don’t care” or “The odds are against me” and really standing for what you want to believe. This will not only change your state of mind but will also affect the quality of your dating life. You will be happier and approaching love with joyful anticipation and your dates will feel your open heart.

The key has always been inside of you. Look at the places where you do not allow yourself to be vulnerable and be brave enough to open them up. Your deeper self will no longer be shoved aside by your surface doubts and your true essence will begin to shine brightly in the direction of lasting love.

How close are you to finding love?

Find out how close you are to finding love. No need to go to a psychic, you can check inside and see how you feel about finding your partner. Watch this video and let me know what number you come up with by leaving a comment below…

How to believe in love when you don’t

I get it. The hardest thing to do is have faith that your love life will change, especially when everything in your experience points in the opposite direction. Watch this video where I explain how to increase your faith and find love right now.

Romancing Yourself To Love

I was invited to a wedding in Mexico for two of my very close friends. (I actually introduced them.) It was a few months after I started my new hypnotherapy practice and I decided that I would “manifest” my boyfriend in time to bring him as my date for the wedding. After all, my mind creates my reality so I decided to make it happen.

A few single girls asked me to share a room, but I smugly denied, saying that I was going to meet my man before the wedding and will be bringing a date. When the travel agent called to reserve my tickets at the all-inclusive resort, I eagerly placed a deposit down for two people. Debi and her fictitious boyfriend, Robert Wright, all set for Mexico.

As the time neared for the balance to be paid, even with though no Mr. Wright appearing yet, I decided that I would give him more time. I gladly paid the balance for my future boyfriend, knowing he would soon show up and pay for our entire trip because he will be so successful. I was starting to secretly panic.

I was still single a month before the wedding, so now I was getting desperate. Any man would do at this point. I couldn’t get my deposit back so I started calling all my ex-flings to see if they wanted to come to Mexico for a vacation. They all were insulted and asked me, “Who was supposed to go with you? I don’t want to be the back-up or second choice!” I explained that I didn’t have anyone in particular and they didn’t believe me.

Two weeks before the wedding I was asking anyone (even my girlfriends) if they wanted to go on a free Mexican vacation. All they would have to do is pay for airfare. No one could make it. I had to suck it up and eat for two the entire week.

At first I was upset because of my lack of power in the boyfriend manifestation process. Then, my coach told me something really cool. She said why do you need a man to have a romantic time. Go and enjoy that room and romance yourself. It was a great lesson so I booked a few more days earlier just to be by myself before all the wedding hoopla began at another resort.

I had the most amazing romantic trip with myself. I played the music I wanted to listen to and took myself on long beach walks. I ate dinner by myself but received plenty of attention from the waiters. I sat across from the empty chair at dinner and pretended that I was with the love of my life. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I was my own best friend, companion and true love.

The best thing about this trip is that I really got how I was so attached to finding someone on a time frame. I saw the tension it caused me to put so much pressure on attracting my true love. Trying to FORCE love to happen was not going to work. I allowed myself to surrender to the moment and let go of WHEN and kept believing that I knew it would happen.

When I got to the hotel where the wedding was scheduled, I started to feel a little nervous and uncomfortable being by myself. I walked up to the registration desk and gave the woman my name. She said, “Oh Debra Berndt, where is Mr. Right?” I laughed out loud and it released all the pressure. I answered, “Well, I really would like to know!”

When you stop taking the search for love so hard and serious, you can finally relax and enjoy the journey. Trust that he will come and you won’t see him coming around the mountain. I met Robert a few months later. At least I got the first name right!

Where would you take yourself on a romantic trip? Enter your comments below.

It is not your dating style, it is your dating picker that keeps you from love.

Ok, so many dating tips out there will tell you what you did wrong on a date and the deadly mistakes that keep you single. Don’t be too fat but don’t be too skinny. Don’t be too rich but don’t be too poor. Don’t talk about your job, but do talk about your career. Be interesting, wait, be interested. No, act cool. Enough of that already.

The real reason you don’t have the love you want isn’t how you acted on a date. It isn’t because you said the wrong thing or that you smiled at the waiter. It isn’t because you texted him after the date to thank him. It isn’t because you slept with him too soon.

Truth. You picked someone who would leave you before you even went out. Before you even spoke to this person, your mate selection mechanism was set on heartache.

There is an unconscious part of you that draws you to particular people who match something that triggers a familiar feeling. You think it is chemistry when the fireworks go off but what is actually happening is that your inner drama girl is having a field day.  She is bored with the nice guys and craves the attention from the man who acts disinterested.

Most people think they will never have chemistry with someone nice and that could very well be true. If they don’t change their mate selection mechanism, they will unconsciously go to the same heartache every time. Ignoring the obvious red flags, they believe this time it will be different, but nothing changes.

To key to having true love is to discover this mechanism in your subconscious (we call it your Inner Adam or Eve) that fits like a puzzle piece with potential partners. You don’t have to change how you act, your clothes, your weight or your personality, you just need to shift your piece of the puzzle.

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Where do you stop and give up on love?

You say you will never go back to him or that you just won’t accept that last minute invitation again from him. You want to tell him its over or tell him you like him but the words just won’t leave your lips. Something inside of you stirs and you stop.

You have boundaries that you wouldn’t dare cross with others, but somehow you let them step all over you. You tolerate behavior because you don’t want to be alone, but you know deep in your heart what you need to do. You just can’t leave. You stop.

You see someone in a public place that is attractive. You notice no wedding ring and he’s looking at you and smiling. You want to smile back and walk over to say something but you just can’t move your feet or smile back. You justify your staying put because HE should be the one to approach you. Then, he walks out. You wonder why you stopped.

The comfort zone you created for yourself has kept you safe and worked for your current life situation. You have survived and thrived in some ways but you want more. You want a greater love relationship than your friends. You want a raise or a career that makes you happy. You make promises that this year everything is going to change for you, but it doesn’t. What makes you stop?

Love or anything new in your life is on the other side of fear. You hit a wall, a habitual limitation that shows up and your mind warns you not to cross that line. Your ego wants you to stay comfortable so it talks you out of anything risky, new or adventurous. You feel the desire, but this part of you makes you stop every time.

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The path to true love isn’t always comfortable

You may think that being single can be the most uncomfortable position to be in life (well, next to childbirth). Having to date, getting to know strangers, wondering if they are going to call and even finding a date for your best friend’s wedding can be challenging. However, this single experience is a slight discomfort compared to courage it takes to open your heart to true love.

I hear people tell me all the time about how committed they are to finding love, but their actions clearly do not match up to what they say. They want to date but have tons of excuses as to why they shouldn’t date online or how there are no places to meet men. Instead, they would rather complain about their situation and remain powerless to fate.

The only reason you are single is because you tolerate it. You tolerate it because there is something you fear greater than being alone. Until you find out what that is, it will direct your love life and the ego will keep sending you those lovely non-committal men to keep you distracted.

True commitment is about doing whatever it takes, regardless of how uncomfortable it may feel. Comfort and change do not co-exist in the same space. The willingness to move through that discomfort is in direct proportion of your level of commitment.

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Open to Receive Love and Abundance

What holds you back from love is within your own mind.

Watch this video to start the process of opening.

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The key to finding love is with an open-mind

I often talk about the journey of self-realization being a lifelong path. Once you open your mind to new concepts, it is hard to shut it down and go back to the old ways of doing things unconsciously. After the door opens to new possibilities, there is also a gap from the point of when you learn new information and when you fully integrate it into your life.  Sometimes you may feel like you wish you never opened the door in the first place because the information you acquired doesn’t always work for you right away.

Some make the mistake of piling on more and more knowledge, without actually putting it into practice. They get the concepts intellectually, but they don’t have the experience to fully realize what they had learned. Just like hearing someone describe a movie to you, you get an idea of the characters and scenes but it is no substitute to actually experiencing the movie first-hand yourself.

There are two types of knowledge – Direct Knowledge and Indirect Knowledge. Hearing a movie described to you gives you indirect knowledge. When you experience the full motion picture for yourself, you then have direct knowledge. What trips most people up is that they think if they read a book and understand it intellectually, then they full understand it without having the experience of applying the principles in the book.

You can study concepts and memorize inspirational quotes and truly feel like you understand life, but unless you have a direct experience, the theories, remain on the surface of your mind and doesn’t shift down to your subconscious for a complete understanding.

My first year out of hypnotherapy school gave me huge leaps in confidence, but I still lacked the experience of attracting my true love. I used to help many singles find true love by learning the principles of hypnosis, eastern philosophy and the subconscious mind. I knew it worked, I saw my clients transform and find love, but I was still single so it was still indirect knowledge.

When I finally had an experience of facing my fear of an intimate conversation with my Dad, it wasn’t something I could read in a book or have a speaker inspire me about the possibilities. I had a direct experience of breaking through my fear of having that heartfelt, open conversation and it shifted me deep in my core.

With the Internet at your fingertips, you can gain access to tons of knowledge about spirituality, personal development, law of attraction and relationship strategies. You can read about how powerful your mind is and how thinking positive is beneficial, but you won’t fully get it until you experience the power within yourself.  If you don’t have the experience, you haven’t truly learned it yet.

Just before I attended that workshop that changed my life, I thought I was done with my own personal development. I was taking the workshop as training on how to work better with my clients and get some coaching skills. At that point, I realized how little I knew! Even doing the same exercise brought out something that I hadn’t seen before, and it was exactly what I needed at the time to make a breakthrough in love.

You can read the same book dozens of times and still find new, fresh insights and information if you slow down and actually study and apply the concepts. Personally, I have read most of my core books no less than ten times each. Each time my consciousness has expanded so the higher-level knowledge is now present for me.

How do you know if you have direct or indirect knowledge of a subject? Easy, do you have the result that you seek? Have you mastered the law of attraction (or as I call it the law of perception)? Do you have great relationships? Do you have all the wealth you want? Do you feel truly in love with yourself?  If you can say no to any of these, then go back and keep studying. Find the missing piece, be open to learn more and master yourself and your life.

There is a story of a student who wanted to study with a new master. He sat down for tea with the master. The master started pouring the tea and the tea started to overflow while the master continued to pour. Finally the student asked him what he was doing. The master replied that he couldn’t teach him with his mind in the state it was. He said like the cup, his mind so full there wasn’t room for anything new. He needed to come to him with an empty cup so he can fill it.

Each time you start a new program, book or workshop, you must come from that beginner’s mind, an open cup to receive information in a fresh, new way.  Frankly, there is a lot of stuff out there that simply keeps you stuck in ego. Really study the information and make sure it aligns with universal principles. Keep asking questions and keep seeking answers.

If you approach understanding life from a beginner’s mind, you are more open to receive the missing pieces to provide you the direct knowledge and experience of your greatest dreams. You move the insights from your head to your heart for true transformation.

Keeping an open mind and willing to learn more led me to finding my true love. You don’t want to turn away from a growth opportunity as your ideal person may be waiting on the other side.

What do you need to let go of to find your true love?

Often when you do any type of personal development, the process may feel as though you are struggling to get to better state of mind. You read, meditate, attend workshops and journal your way to enlightenment. Just like in the search for love, the answer always seems to be something you need to DO to finally draw in your true partner.

One of the biggest lessons I learned over the years was that I wasn’t broken, that I already had an enlightened state of mind, love and abundance inside of me. There was nothing else I had to attain, but rather, I needed to let go of some behaviors and beliefs that were clouding my vision of my ideal life.

Until you find your true love, their arrival may seem impossible for you at times. Your mind will distract your will toward the outside forces in order to preserve the status quo. Seeking outside for the result only deepens your frustration and keeps you in a pattern of disbelief.

Instead of focusing outward, imagine that you are an amazing rocket ship fueled with all the love, abundance and happiness you can ever dream of experiencing in this life. You have everything inside propelling you forward, all you need to do is let go of the tiny tethers of your limited thinking that are holding you back from stepping into your amazing self. Simply know that the divine in you wants what you want more than you want to receive it.

During times of frustration, you may feel like those tethers are steel beams bolting you to the ground or, worse, that you don’t have any fuel in your tank and no power to take off. This is the big illusion that has been taught to you since the day you were born, to rely on the external for support, love and safety. Many people still believe they are helpless babies at the mercy of the world instead of the magnificent being they are inside.

The truth is that your rocket ship is set for true, amazing love, you have plenty of fuel and the tethers are the tiny strings of fear that hold you back. These strings are only powerful as long as you choose to keep them there. The problem is that you keep them in place to protect you for a reason that you may or may not be aware of consciously. If you knew how easy it was just to release the ties that bind, you would have done it already.

Instead of asking yourself what do I need to do next to find true love, ask yourself, ‘What do I need to let go of?” What keeps you hanging on to past and present circumstances?

Exercise: Take out your journal and write down. If I met my true love, what would I have to give up?

The law of sacrifice states that you must give up something of a lower nature (fear) in order to gain something of a higher nature (love). While you may have thought that sacrifice means giving up the things you like, it is quite the contrary. You give up what you have outgrown – old fears, old limiting thinking and old personal stories. Just like a snake who sheds it skin, you can step into a new, true you with ease.

As you let go of the old, you start to see so much more of you that has been hidden away. There is nothing new to create, your amazing self is already inside of you and has been waiting for you to discover her. You reveal the powerful rocket ship of you who can soar through the clouds and touch the stars and become unstoppable.

Start today by identifying one of your old tethers and leave them behind. You could let go of an old behavior, an old pain from a lost love or an old story that keeps you stuck. If you find it difficult, identify why you are afraid to let it go and realize that it isn’t keeping you safe, but imprisoned. Of course, you have more than one tether, but usually there is one big one that makes a huge shift right away.

After releasing your tethers, you will stop meeting men (or women) who strengthen the tethers, reinforcing your own internal fears. Free from the past, you start to meet potential mates who are also ready to soar like you.  When you gain the momentum and start to really fly you know that you have found an easier way to grow by letting go and the sky’s limit.