When you are searching for a partner, the only thing most people focus on is the meeting. You have an online dating strategy plan and read up on the latest tips on dating etiquette so you can act accordingly and they remain interested. You may even think you have to clear so-called “blocks” so you can meet. Have you put so much energy in meeting the person that you rarely think about the time after you find him or her?
The urgency and anxiety you put into dating will not end when you meet someone, it will only magnify.
Honestly, I used to believe that everything would fall into place when I met the right person. The angels would belt out songs of joy and doves will be released and float around us and I would somehow finally be confident and secure. Time and time again I was wrong. Everyone I met was reflecting back to me my own insecurities and fears about being not good enough and alone.
I kept looking for someone to love me, when I needed to be that someone to me first.
Here’s the deal. You may focus on the image of their right person to meet like a cardboard cutout with a nice resume. Do you ever think about what being in a relationship with that person would be like? Are you prepared for the disagreements, fears, family drama and, yes, maybe even the children involved? Do you feel comfortable communicating your needs and keeping the spark alive? What about when the sex slows down or someone gets ill?
Most people, myself included, looked for love as a happy fairy-tale ending. We’ve been hypnotized to believe in those funny romantic comedies where the struggle happens before you meet and then when you finally come together everything is perfect for the rest of your life. But that is not real life, life is not easy and relationships are a living, changing experience that needs nurturing and continued growth.
You can tell how prepared you are for a real relationship in just the first few dates. Do you get anxiety around communication? Do you gauge all of your happiness onto whether he or she calls or asks you out on a weekend date? Do you feel a lack of control over your schedule or what you like to do together? Do you find it difficult to manage your emotions because you like the person so much?
These fears in a new relationship may temporarily subside when the act the way you want and give you the attention you crave, but the fear is not gone. This same fear will arise again when another difficulty shows up. You can stuff it and feel miserable as a prisoner under his/her control or you can sabotage and end it to move on to the next one who “knows how to treat you” without you having to explain it. Good luck with that plan.
When I started my personal development path to find love, I felt like I was a slow learner. So many people would fall into relationships while years later I was still poking at my inner child telling her to stop crying. I was just focused on fixing myself to meet “him” instead of growing myself to have a relationship that lasts.
The strategy of fixing yourself, removing blocks and following dating tips still focuses on the same idea…life will be better when I meet the person. Once I realized that I didn’t have to fix myself but to uncover my true self already inside of me, I stopped thinking there was something wrong with me. I no longer wanted to find a man to finally tell me that I was okay. I didn’t need to heal myself to feel OK.
Coming from a powerful place of “I am already okay” doesn’t happen overnight, but it happens a lot faster if you drop the healing and fixing to begin with. The constant searching for defects in you or your behavior is counter-productive. You cannot feel enough if you are always looking for ways where you feel broken without a partner.
Reclaiming your power is a process of letting go of the persona you have been conditioned to be as a shield defending the soft vulnerability of your humanity. It is a scary confrontation to drop the mask and see what is behind it. You must look directly at the places you don’t want to face inside of yourself that are only negative because of the story YOU assigned to it.
The truth is there is nothing negative about you and realizing that gives you power. Embracing all of your human tendencies with love and compassion will enable you to relate to another in a deep, intimate way without needing to run or hide.
Facing yourself where you don’t dare to look and being okay with it all allows you to open your heart to love. The only real reason you don’t have love is that you don’t want someone to see all of you. You will continue to attract people who also hide behind their masks and you will continue to project fears onto each other where there is no doorway for a deeper connection.
Can you meet someone without looking inside? Sure you can. People do it every day and most people are miserable in relationships because of their projections. You still have the chance to individuate and grow with each other but both parties now must take on the process. Jung said, “The best time to work on your relationship is before you get in one.”
Instead of fixing your persona, it is time to love and embrace all of who you are. If you do that BEFORE you meet, the bliss will not end after the first few dates. You will automatically have chemistry with someone who matches your inner self-love and the relationship will last.
True love isn’t about finding the right person but bringing the right person (your true self) into the relationship.