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How to create conscious chemistry with the one who is meant for the true you. Dr. Robert explains what makes a man fall in love.

What you can learn from unavailable men (or women)

What is wrong with men these days? This is a frequent complaint I hear from my customers and clients. No matter how positive they try to be, they still seem to meet men who just don’t want a commitment. The ones who want to get married are boring and the ones who don’t are so sexy, but flaky when it comes to settling down to a long-term relationship.

If you are always meeting non-committal men (or women), the problem isn’t with the selection out there but within your own mind. It is easy to blame singles in your age group, the quality of singles who date online or that the type of partner you seek is really not out there. Passing the responsibility on to external circumstances is the way your subconscious mind tries to lead you away from the truth of what is really going on. If you find the truth, you will change your results.

The law of cause and effect states that every effect is driven by a cause. First, you need to look at your results. For example, always attracting non-committal people is the effect. Then, you have to understand what is causing the effect you are experiencing. When you look outside of yourself for the cause, you don’t have any power to change it. When you look within for the source (cause), you can be empowered to shift your experience to attract the love you desire.

Now, don’t get too hard on yourself because you are not consciously creating this experience. If you knew what you were doing (or feeling/thinking) to cause it, I am sure you would change it immediately unless you really don’t want to have love in your life. In my experience, here are the top reasons why you may be attracting non-committal partners.

  1. You are not committed to having a partner and unaware of it. Most likely, there is a stronger unconscious desire inside of you to stay single. Solution: Ask yourself what benefits you receive from staying in the status quo and if you are willing to give them up in order to be in a committed relationship.
  2. You want a quick fix for love. Those fly-by-night men actually feed that need for fast love. They say all the right things and create an “instant” relationship. However, they often end as fast as they begin. Solution: Heal the urgency for love and you will stop attracting the ones who mesmerize you into one-night stands.
  3. You are afraid of getting emotionally intimate with a partner. Non-committal people never want to get close so you don’t have to deal with emotional intimacy! Sexual intimacy is easy if this is you, but the emotional part is scary. Solution: Heal the past which has caused you to be afraid of opening up deeply to a partner. If you already worked on this, you need to dig a little deeper to get to the root of the fear. Very Important! If you are afraid of getting too intimate, you will also be afraid to do the deep work required to heal this issue.

There are three steps to changing your results. First, notice the pattern you are experiencing in your relationships. Second, as you recognize the pattern, you must accept that you are the cause of the pattern. By accepting responsibility, you are armed with the power to change and stop wasting time blaming others or waiting and hoping for outside conditions to change. Lastly, face the things you have been avoiding including healing past relationships, working with uncomfortable emotions and getting outside of your comfort zone.

So, thank your latest unavailable man for holding up a powerful mirror for your inner healing. Have compassion for them because they also have the same issues with love (that’s why you keep attracting each other). If you take these three steps, you will discover that love is waiting for you as you open your heart and mind to the ones who truly want to be with you. If you remove the barriers within your own mind, you can effortlessly find the love you truly deserve.

About Debi Berndt

Debi Berndt and Dr. Robert Maldonado are the co-founders of Creative Love™, a personal development company that helps people create healthy, lasting relationships. They’ve worked with thousands of singles across the world to find true love and their Creative Love™ Process is now taught in 13 different languages.

Debi is the author of the bestselling book, LET LOVE IN and Robert holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is an expert in Jungian Psychology, Eastern Philosophy, Yoga and Meditation.

Comments & Feedback:

  1. Hi Debbie,

    I love your articles, they’re to the point and clearly written.

    I am wondering about the heart/mind connection. The last two sentences of the article mention opening your heart and mind and removing the barriers within your mind. I’m wondering where the barriers are generated, in your heart, mind or both ? What is the fear of intimacy is so deeply rooted and you don’t know or remember the cause?

    Thanks for shedding light on this!

    • The mind and heart are connected. In my book, LET LOVE IN, I discuss the exact process for releasing these fears. You can also find out more with my Sexy True Love Breakthrough Course – it takes you step by step through the transformation process on the subconscious level. You don’t need to remember or know the cause, my Love Switch formula gets to the root of the healing.

  2. Hello Debbie. I would like to say I’ve been enjoying your posts however I’ll be more happy when I’ll stop reading them, definitely.

    A Great thank you for provinding useful information. :)

  3. Hi Deb,

    I have to say you truly are the best!….I’ve come a long way listening to you, rather than reading self help books!
    I really thought I met “the one”…..we were dating for 4 months. It felt really different, a divine connection, for him as well. But he ended up getting scared because he developed such deep feelings for me. So we stopped seeing each other, cause he was afraid. I told him to sort himself out and work on healing himself inside.
    I’m big on meditation, big on using pendulums…..and the pendulum said he was the one! How can this be?!

    • The way you phrase the question, the pendulum will respond to it literally. “the one” is a term that is up to interpretation. Make the question more specific and get a more accurate answer. Also, he could be the one in this moment. Hope that helps!
      Deb

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