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A real psychology of love that helps you understand why dating tips don't help and what you can do RIGHT NOW to FIND LOVE!

Why you can’t find love online

Online dating is one of the easiest and most accessible ways to find singles no matter where you live. There are so many websites from the mass cattle call to the niche sites tailored to your specific tastes. Over 70% of single adults have tried online dating, so why are so many people NOT finding true love online? You may have heard that you need to fix your profile, your pictures, or follow a certain mode of conduct so you don’t “scare them away,” but those really have NOTHING to do with lack of results. The only factor that really changes your success online or offline is having the right mindset.

There are many reasons to doubt the effectiveness of online dating.  I don’t even want to get into how many people lie about their age, height, have an old photo when they were younger and slimmer, fib on marital status and so on. It is easy to get discouraged when you are facing a mountain of people who are just not going to be right for you. This leads to singles feeling frustrated with the selection and telling themselves that “This isn’t for me.”

After a few weeks or months of surfing for dates, you may continue to focus on how “it is never going to happen,” “how am I going to find him?” and “all the good ones are taken.”   Instead of being hopeful, you end up hating the whole process and feeling worse as if you have no more options left. Sadly, you get what you have been focusing on creating–  this isn’t working.

Another mindset problem is the emotional abuse you give yourself when no one gives you a wink or replies to your email. You wonder what happened to the guy who was conversing with you for a few days and then dropped off the face of the earth. You give away your power when you allow your self-worth to be determined by how many men/women contact you. You put them on pedestals, waiting for their approval. Instead of being open to love, you shut down even more because of hurt feelings of rejection. In this case, you also continue to get what you have been focusing on creating – no one wants me.

I know that having a poor mindset can trip you up in love. Since 1994, I was surfing for love online when I did my first search for singles and found AmericanSingles.com. When I was filled with self-doubt, neediness for a man and feeling as if what I am looking for is not out there, I got exactly what I was thinking. I even tried video dating (oh yeah) and I got the same results. The bars always seemed to work to meet a plethora of hot-looking narcissists, but that didn’t work very well for me either.

After I went to hypnotherapy school, I saw a huge difference in the men I attracted but still hadn’t met “him” yet. I had the intuitive hit that I should talk to my friend at the dating service I had joined 7 years earlier and she invited me to join again. I was sick of the bar scene and thought at least the men in the service were investing some money, so the odds are better to find men who are at least serious. I didn’t have high expectations  based on my past experience but I was willing to give it another try.

Less than 24 hours after I signed up for the service, I got a message from a handsome psychologist named Roberto. We went out a few days later and the rest is history. The difference wasn’t that the service improved, or my profile or pictures looked better, I had lost weight, changed my hair or the way I flirted with him and played it cool (because nothing else changed). The only variable was that I had the right mindset to attract and be attracted to a great guy. I let love in. (Truthfully, my mindset was not 100% perfect either, just enough to change my destiny.)

So throw away any other excuse as to why online dating doesn’t work for you. Don’t waste time learning etiquette, getting the right photo or writing a profile that doesn’t even sound like you. None of that really matters. What makes the difference is your mindset – knowing your worth, knowing he or she is out there and putting yourself out there so they can find you. Of course, online dating is just an example because you can meet your true love anywhere as long as you believe you can.

I spent twenty years working on all the wrong things and I don’t want you to wait that long to find your true love. Go inside and pay attention to where your mind is focused. You are the prize and don’t settle for less. Practice training your mind to have faith and be open to your love coming in a different package and even in the most unexpected place. Remember that someone out there wants to meet you as much as you want to meet them.

About Debi Berndt

Debi Berndt and Dr. Robert Maldonado are the co-founders of Creative Love™, a personal development company that helps people create healthy, lasting relationships. They’ve worked with thousands of singles across the world to find true love and their Creative Love™ Process is now taught in 13 different languages.

Debi is the author of the bestselling book, LET LOVE IN and Robert holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is an expert in Jungian Psychology, Eastern Philosophy, Yoga and Meditation.

Comments & Feedback:

  1. Authenticity is the key! Also, know who you are and not settling for anything less than what you want to attract. Also, you will attract what you mirror! Important to be the person that you want to attract and definitely listen to your intuition! Doesn’t matter what the forum is, it will happen if you operate at that vibration!

  2. Having the right attitude is what makes everything work or not work. So true that we easily fall into our “that’s the way it is” modes and then – guess what – that’s the way it is!
    It is a self-confirming loop. Break the loop.
    Thanks for the reminder!

  3. finding love is the hardest thing for a straight man like me that was once married at one time, and with so many very nasty women today it makes it very difficult for me. many women are not looking for relationships anymore like they once did, and with so many of them that play very hard to get makes it worse.

    • They aren’t playing hard to get. They are afraid of intimacy. Our work shows that what you attract is a reflection of your own subconscious mind. The problems isn’t external. If you shift inside, your love life will change.

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